At loose ends. Don’t know what I feel about things. Don’t understand my own emotions. They are all so messed up, mixed up. Dunno what it is that I want. Just wanna go to sleep. And then sleep some more so that I don’t have to think.
I’m so miserable right now. It hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it, how to breath through this pain. So, I go to my standard response of snapping at anyone who tries to have a normal conversation with me. It’s easy…the habit, the pattern, the mould. It’s difficult, almost near to impossible to break it. Why do I do this? I hurt people around me when I am in one of my moods. And I know that I am hurting them but I am unable to stop myself. And then I despise myself for it. And the pain increases and I can’t seem to either stop it or get a grip on it. The vicious circle continues.
Anyways, I have been rattling for long. It’s time I end this blog. It’s my curse to bear…
A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind. They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour. My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis. The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis. Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be? Me having no control over my moods and reactions – Is something I believe in not. Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure. Am I destined to always be of two minds Or will I ever make up with one of them? Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter So long I have a pill or two to take. Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter What does it really matter? Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne. I go now to pop some pills Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.