Session 2…

Gearing up for second session with my doctor… She had given me a task to write all my thoughts, as in questions, that pop up in my brain down in a notebook. I have written three pages worthy questions and thoughts down. Dunno what she’s gonna do with them.

Am I gonna get some answers to the never ending questions I used to and still have? Will she give me a navigating device to travel through this maze called world a little easier? Will she provide certain solutions to my problems? I fervently hope so. Or will she make me walk the path and provide me enough hints and nudges to guide me along it? I certainly hope not as I am bound to get lost in the maze with or without the navigating device or even a guardian angel.

All these emotions bubbling inside me – I am still afloat though. Not yet drowning so that’s good.Fingers crossed and growing apprehensive by every moment…. Wonder what nugget of wisdom will tomorrow bring or will it even bring anything for me, to me?

Keep Walking…

Advertisements

Life…

life

Life’s for living
And let no one tell you different
There’s no time for
Pain and guilt
And let no one tell you different.

Death and birth
Are part of it
Pleasure and sorrow
Present and morrow
Heaven and hell
All come together
To form this mishmash
This hash called life.

Struggle and strife
Happiness and grief
Just one life
You’ve got to live.

The going may get tough
Just get a little rough
So what will you do
Curl up and give in too?

It’s just one life
So why give up?
Be smart, be brave
Stand tall, stand up!

Black and white
Are just myths
‘Tis shades of grey
That life exists.

Life’s for living
And let no one tell you different.

Limbo…

walking

Being stuck in a limbo is the worst kind of punishment a being can get… You can’t move in or out, forward or backward or any direction… It’s like being stuck in quicksand…the more you struggle the faster you go down… So do anything, get to any place, but see to it that you don’t get stuck in limbo…

I was stuck for two years and I’m coming out of it… It is a daily struggle what with BPD and all… But what I have realised is that BPD or depression for that matter are just labels… Labels one can defeat if one has enough will power, confidence and focus….most importantly, something to look forward to…to come out of the quagmire of darkness, defeat, desolation, drudgery…

Just that BPD takes me on a roller coaster of highs and lows… And when I get low, the going gets tough like shit… That’s when I need all my power to get out of it… to unglue myself from the superglue of darkness…limbo… I hate limbo… Have always hated it…I like to be in motion… Something always going on with my life…in my life.

The two years that brought my life to an abrupt halt were a study in patience for me. And as some people say – Patience is a virtue. So maybe I have become a little virtuous now… 😉 – along with strong and tough.

Keep Walking…

The Watcher…

Eye

The watcher inside me
The one beyond sight
See and see and see
No malice yet might

It keeps sentry
Day or night
No end, no entry
No dark, no light

One day I’ll be one with it
One day I’ll see all that it sees
One day I’ll watch all that rises does fall
One day I’ll feel all alive does die
One day I’ll sense all dead beings rising
One day I’ll whisper the key to living
One day I’ll teach the one language to all!

Darkness Rising…

images

Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.

Whirlpool…

images (97)

Lost in a whirlpool am I,
Sometimes I surface,
As the white foam,
Substanceless, faceless
In the sunshine, I dry away.
Rest I rest at the bottom,
In form of the vortex,
That lies underneath,
Belying the truth,
Trapping the unwary.
Beware beware,
Always everywhere,
All that glitters is not gold,
Calm on the surface,
Hidden currents beneath.
Once you are caught,
Only death is your escape,
While alive it is a herculean task.
So what is it you are –
A carcass of blood and bones
Or a mighty warrior of past?