Gearing up for second session with my doctor… She had given me a task to write all my thoughts, as in questions, that pop up in my brain down in a notebook. I have written three pages worthy questions and thoughts down. Dunno what she’s gonna do with them.
Am I gonna get some answers to the never ending questions I used to and still have? Will she give me a navigating device to travel through this maze called world a little easier? Will she provide certain solutions to my problems? I fervently hope so. Or will she make me walk the path and provide me enough hints and nudges to guide me along it? I certainly hope not as I am bound to get lost in the maze with or without the navigating device or even a guardian angel.
All these emotions bubbling inside me – I am still afloat though. Not yet drowning so that’s good.Fingers crossed and growing apprehensive by every moment…. Wonder what nugget of wisdom will tomorrow bring or will it even bring anything for me, to me?
Being stuck in a limbo is the worst kind of punishment a being can get… You can’t move in or out, forward or backward or any direction… It’s like being stuck in quicksand…the more you struggle the faster you go down… So do anything, get to any place, but see to it that you don’t get stuck in limbo…
I was stuck for two years and I’m coming out of it… It is a daily struggle what with BPD and all… But what I have realised is that BPD or depression for that matter are just labels… Labels one can defeat if one has enough will power, confidence and focus….most importantly, something to look forward to…to come out of the quagmire of darkness, defeat, desolation, drudgery…
Just that BPD takes me on a roller coaster of highs and lows… And when I get low, the going gets tough like shit… That’s when I need all my power to get out of it… to unglue myself from the superglue of darkness…limbo… I hate limbo… Have always hated it…I like to be in motion… Something always going on with my life…in my life.
The two years that brought my life to an abrupt halt were a study in patience for me. And as some people say – Patience is a virtue. So maybe I have become a little virtuous now… 😉 – along with strong and tough.
The watcher inside me The one beyond sight See and see and see No malice yet might
It keeps sentry Day or night No end, no entry No dark, no light
One day I’ll be one with it One day I’ll see all that it sees One day I’ll watch all that rises does fall One day I’ll feel all alive does die One day I’ll sense all dead beings rising One day I’ll whisper the key to living One day I’ll teach the one language to all!
Lost in a whirlpool am I, Sometimes I surface, As the white foam, Substanceless, faceless In the sunshine, I dry away. Rest I rest at the bottom, In form of the vortex, That lies underneath, Belying the truth, Trapping the unwary. Beware beware, Always everywhere, All that glitters is not gold, Calm on the surface, Hidden currents beneath. Once you are caught, Only death is your escape, While alive it is a herculean task. So what is it you are – A carcass of blood and bones Or a mighty warrior of past?