Limbo…

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Being stuck in a limbo is the worst kind of punishment a being can get… You can’t move in or out, forward or backward or any direction… It’s like being stuck in quicksand…the more you struggle the faster you go down… So do anything, get to any place, but see to it that you don’t get stuck in limbo…

I was stuck for two years and I’m coming out of it… It is a daily struggle what with BPD and all… But what I have realised is that BPD or depression for that matter are just labels… Labels one can defeat if one has enough will power, confidence and focus….most importantly, something to look forward to…to come out of the quagmire of darkness, defeat, desolation, drudgery…

Just that BPD takes me on a roller coaster of highs and lows… And when I get low, the going gets tough like shit… That’s when I need all my power to get out of it… to unglue myself from the superglue of darkness…limbo… I hate limbo… Have always hated it…I like to be in motion… Something always going on with my life…in my life.

The two years that brought my life to an abrupt halt were a study in patience for me. And as some people say – Patience is a virtue. So maybe I have become a little virtuous now… 😉 – along with strong and tough.

Keep Walking…

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A Few Harsh Truths….

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I learnt a few things today:

  1. Truth is difficult – Very much so. People might believe in the vague idea of truth being good always and might even think that they are truthful to others and themselves but  when the push becomes a shove hardly anyone stands by it. It’s easier to keep on believing in things one always did than accept that one might actually be wrong. I don’t know the need for such self-deception except that it is effortless, doesn’t require intense analysis and efforts to improve oneself, to grow, develop and evolve into a better version. The unknown is vast, uncharted, immeasurable and infinitely scary. Leaving behind the known realms of self on a journey to an unknown plane takes immense inner strength, determination and the purest form of passion. It takes a pure, powerful mind free from any preconceived notions, ideas or bondage of all kinds to not only perceive truly the strange vistas one comes across on this journey as they are in their form, structure and matter but also to encompass the strange visions with wisdom, to understand and assimilate them without breaking down. Such is the quest for truth. The path is arduous with will-o-wisps leading down to bogs. One has to be very alert and attentive to their surroundings lest they be caught in a quagmire. Only the brave of heart and strong of determination can walk this path. Truth is difficult.
  2. Self-improvement is just a concept – It is like a shiny ornament. Bright and beautiful to look at and show off to others. No one is really interested in it. It is like the latest fashion trends but with a longer shelf life. People love talking about it but that’s just empty noise with no substance to it. They don’t want to improve in any way. They love existing the way they have done since the beginning. The familiar is good, is comfortable. To accept the need for self-improvement is to accept that something is wrong with the current self and that is in direct contradiction to the precept – I am perfect! Ah inertia! We human beings are the perfect example of it. We continue to be in the state that we are unless and until something happens in the external world that makes us to stop, stand, look around and take a stock of our current situation. If the occurrence is stronger than our inertia then we make changes in ourselves or our situations. If it is not, then nothing happens. We continue as we were. The problem is that in most cases, the momentum required to create the change is very huge and not everyone can have occurrences of deep impacts in their lives. We have to sensitize ourselves to even the smallest opportunities that may arise for self-improvement. Sadly, we live in a world where the senses are overwhelmed by the constant bombardment of materialistic things. So, we just build elaborate lies around us and end up believing them. We don’t look inside our minds for answers. Self improvement is just a concept.

Hope? Check. Happiness? Double Check!

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Introvert – Check. Depression – Check. Suicidal feelings – Check.

One thing I learned about myself from that dark dark period of my life is that I am a survivor and that life is too precious to just give up especially when you are not in any sort of rational mind to take such an important decision.

A bit of a background:

I was depressed for around 3.5 years from 2008 – 2011 and some part of 2012 as well. Being an introvert, I never shared the depth of my malady and the seriousness of it with anyone though in hindsight I can clearly see that I didn’t know that I was in depression. All I knew was that something was very, very wrong with me, that I was always tired – mentally, physically and emotionally, couldn’t connect with anyone around me but since I couldn’t always connect with people before I never gave it much thought. But I was really tired of living, having to wake up every morning with no thought/no ambition, nothing to motivate me, to just get through the day somehow and once when the day was dead, there was still the night to pass. Insomnia became a norm. No rest in the night and hence, no energy in the morning. I was going through the motions of life but reality didn’t seem real anymore. I was in a haze, trapped in my mind by my own mind. No prison can be worse than one’s own mind! It knows your darkest thoughts, secrets, your worst memories and will throw them at you when you least expect it to and depression is not the best time for this. I, too, had a balcony from where I could see the world passing by. Normal people living their normal lives. And there I was! Trapped in the darkness, cut off from the world with no escape! I so wanted to fly away from that balcony, leave all the pain and darkness behind. Just fly away, light as a bird towards freedom, happiness, the heaven! Ah! Sweet escape!

But some threads held me back or I won’t be here writing this article now. Obviously, some of the threads were the people in my life who have only loved and supported me completely throughout my life. I couldn’t make such an important decision without thinking about them. One of the threads was my eminently practical nature which promptly asked me – What if you don’t die? What if you just lose a couple of your limbs or your spine and become a burden to your parents through no fault of theirs? I couldn’t punish them so. Of course, I knew a few more ways to commit suicide successfully but these questions held me back because they showed me that all hope was not lost. What I was thinking of as one continuous dark night actually held a ray of hope. I hadn’t given up hoping even in the darkest period of my life. The questions showed me that. And that was it! That stopped me! Because I am truly human! So long as there is hope I will persevere! So long as there is hope things are not as bad as they seem. That evening I cursed myself that I couldn’t even be strong enough to commit suicide without being analytical about it. But that was the very moment when I started believing somewhere in my mind that one day I will be happy again, that I will come out of this constant soul-sucking misery. Not that I became alright overnight! No. That doesn’t happen in real life. Took a really long time. But I had hope and that was enough for the time being.

Today, I look back and I am darned proud of myself that I didn’t give up. What would I have to show for myself if I had given up? Nothing but a broken body and worse, a broken spirit! Today I know that I a very strong person because I have been through the fire and lived to tell the tale. Today I know that what I thought as cowardice on my part was nothing but sheer courage and determination to fight my condition. It would have been ridiculously easy to give up! But something in me did not – the part that made me truly human! Human beings are known for their tenacity, perseverance and hope. After having evolved for around 2 million years, it would be poor performance on my part to give up just when faced with a little pain and misery! I couldn’t do that.

What gave me hope then was my faith in my personal God – the one I believed in who gave me nothing but love, understanding and acceptance always. Then who was I to doubt that I was not worthy of being alive? The other thing that helped me was the meditation. I was very fond of meditation when I was growing up. As an introvert, I loved spending time meditating and had the art of introspection down to a pat. Since I was used to meditating for a long time, I got to attend a 10-day Vipassana course at an early age. By the time all this happened, I had already attended Vipassana thrice and though I wasn’t a regular practitioner then, I think that Vipassana helped me to not lose hope and ultimately helped me in coming out of it. Now, I know that it did indeed play a huge role in helping me then. Of course, I did not come to know about all these things until I came out of the depression. Also, it helped that I hadn’t labeled my situation. Sometimes, labels really suck! I think I would have been even more depressed if I had known the name of my malady – it would have scared me more and wouldn’t have helped a bit in return!

Remember at all times: Having depression doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that it is a test and you will emerge a stronger, better, more evolved and mature person once you have come out of it. Don’t let anyone put you down or make you feel like shit or call you a weirdo. One has to walk in someone’s shoes to know their problems.

So, to sum-up:

  1. Give yourself a break. So, something truly horrible happened. It’s okay to be miserable, to be depressed. Maybe the “normies” can’t understand that. That’s fine. It’s okay to break into thousand pieces sometimes. It’s okay not to be strong, happy, rational and normal all the time. It’s normal. Don’t make a big deal out of it. How will that help you?
  2. Never give up hope. Cliched but true. Hope when you have nothing left to hope. Just hope blindly. Have faith in your hope that one day in future, no matter how long it takes, you will be happy again. Till then, continue the fake laughter – fake is better than the silence. Change your perspective or if you can’t at least adopt this one for the time being – Hope is never far away. It’s always there right along with the pain, suffering and misery. We just can’t see it then.
  3. Try meditation or prayer. It helps by creating positive energy within us. I have found Vipassana pretty awesome and effective (http://vipassana.org/). They run a ten day residential course free of cost across different locations in India and other countries.
  4. Look to your family for strength. No matter what happens, they will always love and support you whether you ask for it or not.
  5. Be strong and believe in yourself. The dawn is sweetest when the night is blackest!

Be happy!

A Guide to Harrowing Emotions: Part – II

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1. One is one’s own strength… That’s what this life is all about – finding one’s strength within oneself…
And when one finds it, it is one’s responsibility to nurture it and care for it the way one’s does for one’s own baby…until one day it grows so strong and mature that it is capable of making it’s own decisions, overcoming any tragedy, any mishap, any hurdle and ultimately, help in realizing the future one dreamt of…

2. In every struggle between the brain and the heart, let the brain win every time and you won’t have to regret any decision ever.

The Inner Voice…

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The silence in me talks constantly….
The silence in me is blessed indeed…
All it asks is that I listen to it…
A soft, sibilant voice insists that I heed…
 
Listen and it will answer my call,
Listen and my problems, it will resolve,
Listen and it will lighten the burden.
Listen and the false path, in mist, will dissolve.
 
Just listen and it will bring gladness to my heart.
Listen and it will sooth all yearnings,
Listen and it will polish my rough edges,
Listen and it will quench my eternal thirsting…
 
Heed the music in your soul,
Heed the voice in your most primitive part,
It’s never late to do away with discordant notes
It’s never late to make a fresh start!
 
Listen deeply and discover you will,
The notes and sounds of your own voice.
The light that burns closest to the hearth,
Was always you – only in disguise.
 
Listen to it and strengthen your voice,
Search for the true God in your disguise,
Live the voice you were meant to have,
Make it your will, make it your prize!

Leave Me Be…

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What else do I mean to you,
Except for a girl with issues!
I see you getting bored with me,
Going crazy with my highs and lows.

I wonder what I could have done different,
Told you everything in the very beginning,
Even warned you against the mercurial being,
That resided along with the normal me.

You presumed you could handle it all,
Which was your first wrong thought.
I shouted, I screamed , begged you to leave me,
But you never heard the “no” that my lips wrought!

Now that you have become my habit,
You want to just shrug me off,
I can’t believe your words that fall on my ears,
Still can’t trust the proof of it.

‘Cause you see I believed in you,
To be more than a fair-weather friend,
Never thought you would give it up so easy,
Just as the terrain became a bit tough!

I know I am hard to live with,
But at least you could have given your best,
You think I ask too much from you,
But your heart knows I first passed this test…

Now you expect me to break down and cry,
Then you’ll be waiting for it a long time,
My mind is precious, my tears too,
To waste on you further as this is the end…