My Journey Till Now – II

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It’s not easy to open up and talk about the darkest phase of one’s life. But one has to make an effort in the hope that it might help even one person to take the right step in their life or maybe even move away from the edge if they are standing on one. Things are never, never as dark as they may seem…it’s just our perception that make them seem so… All you’ve got to do is have some faith in yourself, in time… Not for nothing is it said that Time is the Greatest Healer…. It actually is…With time on your side, anything is possible…. Things can change for you, become better or you can and will change, grow up and get some different perspective about your problems.

As I said, it’s difficult to talk about the darkest phase of your life…There’s residual pain, residual worry and always the fear with being a BPD person that I might be forced to visit the darklands again before I’m ready to do so… Many have said time and again that most of my blogs go in the dark vein than in the light vein….How can I answer that question? I have experienced and explored so much darkness inside and outside me that I am more comfortable being in the dark than in the light. Darkness soothes me, calls to me with its siren songs… It’s only recently that I have stopped listening to it (most of the times any way)…it will take time to change….change the fabric of my very nature….but rest assured I will….not all of me is dark. Some part is light, is happy, is fun….that attracts my dark side…I guess opposites attract… My light is also attracted towards my darkness…But I encourage my darkness to move towards the light…that’s the aim…and never you forget that… Always remember to smile, to laugh, to be happy even for the shortest possible time…. Make that your goal and you’ll find that the duration of your smile, your laughter, your happiness is increasing…not because some magic happened all of a sudden but because you just trained your unruly mind to search for happiness in each and every situation, any sort that might be….

Again and again I keep emphasizing on happiness because I staunchly believe that if you don’t have happiness in life then you have absolutely nothing in life….you are the poorest of all the beggars in this world…. (Trigger) Depression is just a jargon…It is nothing but deep seated unresolved ego issues. How? I become unhappy when things don’t go my way with the emphasis being on “my”. Depression means that the intensity of that unhappiness is increased so many times that it becomes difficult to handle for a person. Hence, one finds life intolerable, unliveable, dead because it becomes their firm belief that nothing’s gonna go their way so it would be better to stop making an effort altogether to do anything. One loses their will to live because of that. But what I would like to ask here is that are we really so self-centered that only because something didn’t go our way that we become depressed and stop living from that moment onwards? And as if this weren’t enough we think of an another act of extreme selfishness, i.e., suicide. In our hurry to leave behind a meaningless life, do we ever think of the people we would leave heartbroken if we committed that extreme act of selfishness? No, we don’t. I know because I have been on that edge and I, somehow, found the strength to step back from it…I was lucky I guess!

So, people, if you have to be selfish, then be selfish in loving yourself, be selfish in loving the people around you, be selfish in being happy, be selfish in letting things go! Set your goals right or rather set right goals!

Be Selfish!

Be Happy!

Keep Walking….

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Being Selfish…

Being selfish is absolutely fine sometimes when you can see no other way out of a situation…when being selfish is the only path available to you, you take that path…you walk it….you protect yourself….what do you do when you see others protecting themselves in a flood…during an avalanche…so all you need to do is ignore your instincts and become selfish…you PROTECT YOURSELF…And it’s absolutely fine with the society too… who ever thought of that… A hypocritical society we live in…. A society that extols selflessness as a virtue in times of leisure and lauds selfishness in dire times. So, go ahead, be selfish! Who thought there would be such commendation in something so wicked…

I had this experience in recent times… Turned to a friend when I was in dire need and my friend turned on me instead and told me to be independent and to stop being so whiny and dependent on others (others being my family and closest friends – count being 2)…basically called me a dead weight…. so here I am being selfish the way I know how to be. I have decided not to be a dead weight to anyone who is unwilling to be a participant in carrying my load of BPD with me. Why bog down reluctant people with my issues, my needs? Relationships are meant to be symbiotic not parasitic…even more so with me coz I have special needs… Of all relationships, friendship is the only one which enjoys unparalleled equal footing. When that is lost, the friendship is doomed…mine was too… So, I became selfish…already have so much load on me…then why carry one more load of a doomed relationship?

But Always,

Keep Walking…

Free Wings….

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I am free today.
Don’t depend on you.
Your pitiful morsels
Of time and attention.
You are free today
To live the way
You have always wanted.
The lodestone around your neck
Is gone today.
I cared and cried.
Begged you to
Spend a while
Thinking and caring for me.
But it was too much for you.
Your self-centered life.
You were the brightest star
Of your own universe.
Took me for granted
But not for long
Can’t take anymore
I give it up!
So now you go
Get on with your life
Won’t be a lackey
For one so flaky!
I am free today
From your dues!
The loan’s paid in full
Still I am rich.
You are poor
You lost something valuable
You didn’t give a dime.
But never fear
You’ll never know
As you are unaware.
Self-absorbed as you are.