Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.
My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.
Why? Why all the jealousy? The backbiting, general bitchiness… How does it help you? Does it make you feel good by putting me down, calling me names? But how can that be if you do it behind my back? If you can’t say it to my face how can that make you feel anything but a coward? If you think me to be petty, shallow and selfish, how does spreading ugly gossips behind my back make you a good person?
Why don’t you rise from the mediocrity of your situation if mine makes you jealous? Why don’t you improve your personality if mine makes you look uncouth? You have to find the answer within yourself… Try to improve your own situation… Jealously is stupid! Incredibly so! Won’t help you any way… Backbiting will provide only temporary relief not a long term solution…
All your actions just prove what a small minded, mealy-mouthed person you are in reality! So you actually prove yourself to be exactly what you are scared of – smaller and more primitive than the person you are jealous of! Rise up from the mental gutter you have made your comfort zone and struggle for your personal advancement. Uplift yourself! Give up habits that hurt yourself first then others!