Curve ball…

curveball

For those of you who have been following my blog know that I have borderline personality disorder aka BPD. So I came to know today that whatever meds I am on will only help me till I am taking them… So that means that either I will have to take them for a long, long time or look for some alternative. Seems like life has thrown me yet another curve ball.

Feeling lost and lonely
Dunno what to do
Someone show me the way
Know not what to say…

Have booked an appointment with another doctor for tomorrow. Let’s see how that goes. I’m trying not to be too pessimistic about it.

Fallen into a dark hole again
Waning strength, waned hope
A smile or two I feign
For people ’round me I remain…

I’m just so tired of it all that I feel like giving it all up sometimes especially right now…But somehow I have to get up and keep going through the motions…

Keep Walking…

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Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

A Rage…

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I have held the raging beast,
With its horns,
My arms aflame,
With raging agony.

Just hold on for a moment awhile,
I smell the victory,
With the rising sun,
In all its glory.

Arms blooded,
The task herculean,
Muscles torn,
Misery yet unborn.

The wispy promise of victory yet,
The drunk revelry of success.
Against all odds,
Life flourishes.

I throw all my rage and emotion,
Hideous beast my soul’s creation.
Beloved, deadly – a dangerous combination.
A beauty, a siren, a nymph, a tease.

Serial Killer…

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Blood drips down,
The naked blade.
Yet with time,
The memories fade.

Soaked in red,
Echoes galore.
Incandescent rage,
Glories in gore.

Treachery and deceit,
Insanity weaves.
A pattern of violence,
Rewinds, repeats.

A prisoner of mind,
This creature of night.
Trolls the streets,
Killing the blight.

In its reason,
It’s justified.
Broken be the rules,
Or crowds petrified.

Yet with time,
The memories fade.
With every fresh kill,
The promise affirmed, made.

A merciless catalog,
This book of dead.
Deeds of the deranged
Chilly notes of dread.