At loose ends. Don’t know what I feel about things. Don’t understand my own emotions. They are all so messed up, mixed up. Dunno what it is that I want. Just wanna go to sleep. And then sleep some more so that I don’t have to think.
I’m so miserable right now. It hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it, how to breath through this pain. So, I go to my standard response of snapping at anyone who tries to have a normal conversation with me. It’s easy…the habit, the pattern, the mould. It’s difficult, almost near to impossible to break it. Why do I do this? I hurt people around me when I am in one of my moods. And I know that I am hurting them but I am unable to stop myself. And then I despise myself for it. And the pain increases and I can’t seem to either stop it or get a grip on it. The vicious circle continues.
Anyways, I have been rattling for long. It’s time I end this blog. It’s my curse to bear…
So many tears, Still inside me Come out, come out, Don’t play hide and seek. Beneficial to none You or me. Come down as if, Torrents of rain. Or the colourful condensations On my windowpane. Come down as the gushing spring, Running against the passage of time. Beautiful teardrops of glass or diamonds, In my eyes – sparkle and chime. Gather against the little eyefolds, Overwhelm them with sheer magnitude. Then roll down peacefully down the cheeks, On my breast they stumble and sleep.
Others cannot hurt you. The actions of others do not give rise to emotions in you. You feel, you react because those emotions are already there inside you. You react to your own emotions. You perceive the words and actions of others the way you have habituated yourself to do. Good habits and bad – both are learned, both trainable. Your perception is what that matters. If your perception is positive, your emotions are positive, then you keep calm even in the most dire and worst of situations. If your perception is negative, then you end up making yourself miserable even in the best situation.
Don’t blame others for your misery. The root of it lies within yourself, in your own mind, in the training you have given your mind. Improve your thoughts, improve your mind, educate it, don’t be blind. Improve your self, improve your life. The path to eternal happiness lies within your own mind. Find it. Walk on it diligently, sincerely. In no time, you will reach your goal. Become the calm, serene, deep lake that you can be. No ripples, no waves. Just peace. Just sanity. Just happiness. Don’t beg for happiness, don’t cry for it or feel as if you are entitled to it. No one is! Work for it, work hard! Train your mind, make it pure. That’s the only way.