Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.
My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.
Don’t you love being alone in the crowd? Millions of stars in the universe! A part of it and yet apart from it? Don’t you adore the anonymity it gives? You could be anyone and get lost in it. Lost but not truly lost! As you would have you to know and identify. The mass of life passing you by Like a rolling stone – each rolling, each unique. Alone but not as alone as you could be If you lost your self, your identity to the ebb and flow of life around you. So you stand apart from the crowd. How does it matter so long you have yourself for company? And that of a couple one or two just like you. Being different is no chore, no fault, no sin. How would you feel if you lied to yourself and you were untrue? Wouldn’t that be the worst kind of betrayal? Worse than being apart from the crowd, alone in it? Unbind the chains you’ve wrapped around you, Change is the only constant – even time, the mightiest, falls! Stand alone, stand tall – the weight of one is no weight at all.
Those who are at ease with their deeds do not find any pleasure or pain with another’s criticism or praise. How does it matter what others think about you be it your family, friends or the society at large if you are comfortable in your own skin? Knowing the truth of your doings and the intention behind them births confidence in yourself. But most of the times, our own intentions and deeds are impure. We mean to hurt or harm others through them. What we forget is that to hurt or harm someone else, the impurity has to rise in ourselves first. But we cannot escape the effects of such a doing that results in stress, tension, anxiety and other psychosomatic disorders. We are always concerned with what other people think about us. We are never bothered about what we think about ourselves when that’s what impacts us the most. True peace can be found only at the bottom of self-realization. We forget this simple truth. You cannot be happy if you don’t know your own motivations/intentions behind your actions. You will remain always a scared, unreliable and uncertain shadow of the individual you have the potential to be. Knowledge brings confidence, trust and power. Knowing yourself, your motivations and intentions and being fully alert and attentive while taking any decisions and performing your deeds is the only way to happiness, peace and joy in your life. There is no other way. You cannot be blind towards yourself and still be truly happy.
Misguided happiness is not true happiness. Self delusion is not peaceful. Ignorance is not bliss. Knowledge is power. Self realization is the key. The mind is highly trainable. Train yourself to be alert every moment, to be cognizant of your every action. Don’t make any decisions blindly. Don’t perform any actions rashly, randomly. Initially, it will be tough. The mind is like a monkey but with practice comes ease.