Comfortably Numb…

Numb

Sometimes, my meds make me numb to the world around me or rather numb my senses so that I perceive the world through a glass or from enough distance that it fails to leave any lasting impact on me… I sometimes love those times. For example, when I have processed too much emotion or been through a wringer, I crave such an escape, such oblivion… my mind is all calm and no one, nothing can disturb it…

At other times, I scare myself out of my mind thinking what’s happening to me…thinking if it’s the same person who used to enjoy such a hectic lifestyle that sleeping at night used to seem like a waste of time.

Anyways, I take each day, each moment as it comes… There’s nothing else to be done. And always…whatever situation I find myself in, I am in control, in the driver seat…except for when I lose control, when I’m just going through the motions…

Keep Walking…

Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Darkness Rising…

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Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.

A Knot In Space-time…

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A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme
A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind.
They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder
I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour.
My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis.
The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis.
Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be?
Me having no control over my moods and reactions –
Is something I believe in not.
Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure.
Am I destined to always be of two minds
Or will I ever make up with one of them?
Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter
So long I have a pill or two to take.
Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter
What does it really matter?
Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns
Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne.
I go now to pop some pills
Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.

Serial Killer…

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Blood drips down,
The naked blade.
Yet with time,
The memories fade.

Soaked in red,
Echoes galore.
Incandescent rage,
Glories in gore.

Treachery and deceit,
Insanity weaves.
A pattern of violence,
Rewinds, repeats.

A prisoner of mind,
This creature of night.
Trolls the streets,
Killing the blight.

In its reason,
It’s justified.
Broken be the rules,
Or crowds petrified.

Yet with time,
The memories fade.
With every fresh kill,
The promise affirmed, made.

A merciless catalog,
This book of dead.
Deeds of the deranged
Chilly notes of dread.

Fractured Psyche…

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Fractured psyche,
When will it heal?
It will take some time
For the fissures to seal.

How did it break
Into tuneless pieces?
By the note of woe
The tectonic schizes.

A delicate operation
To bind them all.
A tremor, a hesitation
Watch them fall.

A task most arduous,
Even a soul so valiant,
Equally perilous,
Either a fool or savant.

At the end of the road
There lies the reward.
Timeless melody
Of the frolicking fjord.

In Zombieland…

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I am zombified
A 10mg and a 0.5 one
Kicked my ass
Stole my humanity
My thoughts, my words, my brain
Made me a zombie.
I drag my legs
Dash against the curves
In my path.
My eyes are dulled
A haze obscures my world
My hearing’s gonna
My reasoning’s sluggish.
Thick, dark, murky waters
Chug me down
I see the people from a distance
A fathoms deep crevice
Betwixt me and them.
I push and push
I try to write
Won’t go down
Without a fight.
My fingers slow on the keyboard
A vacuum fills me inside
All thoughts sucked – I, my and me
Going, going, gone
Last line of this song.

Insomnia Revisited…

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Sleepless night
Restless eyes
Dimmed sight
Soft deep sighs.

My eyes are half masted,
But the brain cannot shut down,
In twisted shadows, locked and gated
The murmurs of a ghost town.

Bloodstream soaked with chemicals,
Grey cells swimming in the soup,
Senses slow and dulls
Still thoughts stuck in a loop.

Here we are, again, my friend,
Together in this journey with no end.
No fences between us to keep or mend
My darling Insomnia, you top the trend.

Trapped…

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I am trapped
Show me the way
Please oh please
Something show me the way.

I am caught
In a web of lies and deceit
My lungs burn for air
Suffocating against the weave.

I fight
The urge to thrash
Against the ropes
The walls that I am lashed.

I shred
The skin off my bones
In blind panic
Hurl against the stones.

I thirst
My throat’s on fire
An agony in my stomach
I dream a pyre.

I howl
My soul rattles and clangs
A fight for freedom
A dirge it sang.

I fly
High above the clouds
Wispy, ethereal
No darkness shrouds.

Why???

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We become so used to a fixed behavioral pattern that it becomes our standard goto response for anything that happens with us. The known provides comfort despite the wrongness of it. Why are we so unwilling to inspect our own selves and make changes asĀ  required? Why is truth so unbearable, so unmanageable, so unpalatable that we prefer our cocoon of lies and deceit to the simple beauty of truth? Is it because it’s cold, harsh and not many have an iron clad digestive system? Why are we so apprehensive about our self image that we lie and cheat to maintain a rosy picture of ourselves instead of removing the thick blinkers of self deception and take a good, hard look at what we truly are?

Why do we revel in blindness? As human beings, we are on the topmost level of evolution. We have brains which can think, analyze, reason and conquer over the animal instincts we were born with instead of just blindly following them. So, why don’t we? Why this mass delusion? The society would be a better place if we actually used our brains and be truthful. Then why don’t we? Is it because of the life long mental conditioning that we receive from our parents, teachers and the society in general since the moment we are born? Is that conditioning too strong for most to just break free of it? Or does the mind need to be trained right from the beginning to think out of the box, not just believe blindly in whatever it is taught?

The mind is a high strung and equally highly trainable animal. It can be taught anything. Then why don’t we train it to do that which is its primary function? To ask questions, to doubt where there is a reasonable doubt, to be unbiased, to think, analyze, reason and then arrive at the correct conclusions? Why don’t we do that? Why do we persist in delusions?  Is it because of the conditioning or the cocoon we have wrapped around us? A goto behavior, a standard response is all that we can manage. We believe in conformity instead of standing out in the crowd. If others live a miserable life then we too are okay with our own miserable one. No standing out ever! Not even for happiness. Why?