Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Darkness Rising…

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Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.

A Knot In Space-time…

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A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme
A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind.
They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder
I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour.
My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis.
The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis.
Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be?
Me having no control over my moods and reactions –
Is something I believe in not.
Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure.
Am I destined to always be of two minds
Or will I ever make up with one of them?
Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter
So long I have a pill or two to take.
Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter
What does it really matter?
Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns
Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne.
I go now to pop some pills
Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.

Serial Killer…

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Blood drips down,
The naked blade.
Yet with time,
The memories fade.

Soaked in red,
Echoes galore.
Incandescent rage,
Glories in gore.

Treachery and deceit,
Insanity weaves.
A pattern of violence,
Rewinds, repeats.

A prisoner of mind,
This creature of night.
Trolls the streets,
Killing the blight.

In its reason,
It’s justified.
Broken be the rules,
Or crowds petrified.

Yet with time,
The memories fade.
With every fresh kill,
The promise affirmed, made.

A merciless catalog,
This book of dead.
Deeds of the deranged
Chilly notes of dread.

Fractured Psyche…

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Fractured psyche,
When will it heal?
It will take some time
For the fissures to seal.

How did it break
Into tuneless pieces?
By the note of woe
The tectonic schizes.

A delicate operation
To bind them all.
A tremor, a hesitation
Watch them fall.

A task most arduous,
Even a soul so valiant,
Equally perilous,
Either a fool or savant.

At the end of the road
There lies the reward.
Timeless melody
Of the frolicking fjord.

In Zombieland…

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I am zombified
A 10mg and a 0.5 one
Kicked my ass
Stole my humanity
My thoughts, my words, my brain
Made me a zombie.
I drag my legs
Dash against the curves
In my path.
My eyes are dulled
A haze obscures my world
My hearing’s gonna
My reasoning’s sluggish.
Thick, dark, murky waters
Chug me down
I see the people from a distance
A fathoms deep crevice
Betwixt me and them.
I push and push
I try to write
Won’t go down
Without a fight.
My fingers slow on the keyboard
A vacuum fills me inside
All thoughts sucked – I, my and me
Going, going, gone
Last line of this song.

Insomnia Revisited…

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Sleepless night
Restless eyes
Dimmed sight
Soft deep sighs.

My eyes are half masted,
But the brain cannot shut down,
In twisted shadows, locked and gated
The murmurs of a ghost town.

Bloodstream soaked with chemicals,
Grey cells swimming in the soup,
Senses slow and dulls
Still thoughts stuck in a loop.

Here we are, again, my friend,
Together in this journey with no end.
No fences between us to keep or mend
My darling Insomnia, you top the trend.