Sometimes, my meds make me numb to the world around me or rather numb my senses so that I perceive the world through a glass or from enough distance that it fails to leave any lasting impact on me… I sometimes love those times. For example, when I have processed too much emotion or been through a wringer, I crave such an escape, such oblivion… my mind is all calm and no one, nothing can disturb it…
At other times, I scare myself out of my mind thinking what’s happening to me…thinking if it’s the same person who used to enjoy such a hectic lifestyle that sleeping at night used to seem like a waste of time.
Anyways, I take each day, each moment as it comes… There’s nothing else to be done. And always…whatever situation I find myself in, I am in control, in the driver seat…except for when I lose control, when I’m just going through the motions…
Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.
My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.
A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind. They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour. My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis. The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis. Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be? Me having no control over my moods and reactions – Is something I believe in not. Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure. Am I destined to always be of two minds Or will I ever make up with one of them? Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter So long I have a pill or two to take. Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter What does it really matter? Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne. I go now to pop some pills Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.
I am zombified A 10mg and a 0.5 one Kicked my ass Stole my humanity My thoughts, my words, my brain Made me a zombie. I drag my legs Dash against the curves In my path. My eyes are dulled A haze obscures my world My hearing’s gonna My reasoning’s sluggish. Thick, dark, murky waters Chug me down I see the people from a distance A fathoms deep crevice Betwixt me and them. I push and push I try to write Won’t go down Without a fight. My fingers slow on the keyboard A vacuum fills me inside All thoughts sucked – I, my and me Going, going, gone Last line of this song.
We become so used to a fixed behavioral pattern that it becomes our standard goto response for anything that happens with us. The known provides comfort despite the wrongness of it. Why are we so unwilling to inspect our own selves and make changes as required? Why is truth so unbearable, so unmanageable, so unpalatable that we prefer our cocoon of lies and deceit to the simple beauty of truth? Is it because it’s cold, harsh and not many have an iron clad digestive system? Why are we so apprehensive about our self image that we lie and cheat to maintain a rosy picture of ourselves instead of removing the thick blinkers of self deception and take a good, hard look at what we truly are?
Why do we revel in blindness? As human beings, we are on the topmost level of evolution. We have brains which can think, analyze, reason and conquer over the animal instincts we were born with instead of just blindly following them. So, why don’t we? Why this mass delusion? The society would be a better place if we actually used our brains and be truthful. Then why don’t we? Is it because of the life long mental conditioning that we receive from our parents, teachers and the society in general since the moment we are born? Is that conditioning too strong for most to just break free of it? Or does the mind need to be trained right from the beginning to think out of the box, not just believe blindly in whatever it is taught?
The mind is a high strung and equally highly trainable animal. It can be taught anything. Then why don’t we train it to do that which is its primary function? To ask questions, to doubt where there is a reasonable doubt, to be unbiased, to think, analyze, reason and then arrive at the correct conclusions? Why don’t we do that? Why do we persist in delusions? Is it because of the conditioning or the cocoon we have wrapped around us? A goto behavior, a standard response is all that we can manage. We believe in conformity instead of standing out in the crowd. If others live a miserable life then we too are okay with our own miserable one. No standing out ever! Not even for happiness. Why?