Question Mark…

I hear words

That don’t exist

An extra sensory perception

Which get me labelled crazy.

Feel

I feel emotions

Strong and intense

They ignore it saying

It is my accursed nature.

Reign

Confusions reign

So much exists

My eternal bane.

Pain

Blunt and sharp

No one to share

Say I unnecessarily harp.

Existence

Pale and wane

Too much too less

A giant a wraith

Paradox

Material metaphysical

Today tomorrow

In truth in vain.

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Happiness…

Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…

Best of luck in your quest to find her…

Keep walking…

Tears…

Tears

No one sees them

So what if

They are hidden

They need none

To validate

Their presence

Their authenticity of it.

Tears

No one knows

Where they flow

Down from the eyes

Or travel do they

A lifetime in a few inches?

Tears

What do they bring?

Forgiveness, penitence, succour

Or just

More of their kind?

Tears

My whole world is

Today drowned whole

All I see is water

The salty kind one

It stings my eyes

Suffocates my breath

Slowly softly

I drown with it

One last embraces

As it gives me.

BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

Blank Page…

At the blank page

I stare

The words I know not

To fill it with

The beauty or ugliness

Dare me, glare at me.

The days I have lived

The nights I have spent

Yearn for a reckoning

A written down account.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

Judged will I be

By this world’s standards

Messed up a little

Or more than ever

No morning

No night

Caught in the twilight.

Words – they come to me

Beautiful, ugly

I try to make them my own

They slip from my grasp.

Strives my light

To hold them

Without my night

But they want to slide

So my darkness thickens

The words then cower

Want to escape

In the absence of light

They are caught

In my shadow-net.

The light then comes on

Washes them clean

Not a spot of darkness

Clings to them.

Battered, bruised

Though they be

They are all

That’s left to me.

Oh precious

So precious

They were to me

Everyone left

But they couldn’t too

Such solitude

I couldn’t take.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

I imprisoned that

I loved wholeheartedly.

Wonder I do now

The concept of love

Is like, obsession, possession

Freedom – what is it?

What value is love

If it comes with fetters

No chains for me

Give me the wings.

Oh words, my precious

I set you free.

The twilight is my prison

But you I can set free.

You are my release

My flight of freedom.

When the twilight gets darker

The night its marker

Sing me a lullaby

Soothe me to sleep.

And on this blank page

A new beginning

We may make

Together, you and me

A smile yet we may fake.

In Burning…

Burning up I am

My skin sizzling

Drop of cold water

Dancing, misting

‘pon my skin

The haze of heat

Beating me down

Inside out

Geyser of

Sulphur springs

No succour

No pardon

A pyre of words

Daily burn

Immortal fire

Drapes around

Deadly embrace

Nothing but ashes

Rise up from it

Like a phoenix

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

New life

New chances

New dreams

New me.

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

Life gone

Chances squandered

Dead dreams

In ashes, me.

Phoenix no more

No sun to see

A regular human

Bonded, unfree.

Today…

Tired feet

Turn to home

Someone’s at the door

Wait in their eyes.

Tired feet

Go home now

It’s time to rest

And rejuvenate a bit.

Tired feet

The day is past

Welcome the night

It’s calm, soothing presence.

Tired feet

The feathers call

Sink in the warmth

In the lover’s arms, fall.

Tired feet

Dream awhile

Tomorrow will be

Today’s an isle.