Happiness…

Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…

Best of luck in your quest to find her…

Keep walking…

Advertisements

BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

My Journey Till Now – II

download

It’s not easy to open up and talk about the darkest phase of one’s life. But one has to make an effort in the hope that it might help even one person to take the right step in their life or maybe even move away from the edge if they are standing on one. Things are never, never as dark as they may seem…it’s just our perception that make them seem so… All you’ve got to do is have some faith in yourself, in time… Not for nothing is it said that Time is the Greatest Healer…. It actually is…With time on your side, anything is possible…. Things can change for you, become better or you can and will change, grow up and get some different perspective about your problems.

As I said, it’s difficult to talk about the darkest phase of your life…There’s residual pain, residual worry and always the fear with being a BPD person that I might be forced to visit the darklands again before I’m ready to do so… Many have said time and again that most of my blogs go in the dark vein than in the light vein….How can I answer that question? I have experienced and explored so much darkness inside and outside me that I am more comfortable being in the dark than in the light. Darkness soothes me, calls to me with its siren songs… It’s only recently that I have stopped listening to it (most of the times any way)…it will take time to change….change the fabric of my very nature….but rest assured I will….not all of me is dark. Some part is light, is happy, is fun….that attracts my dark side…I guess opposites attract… My light is also attracted towards my darkness…But I encourage my darkness to move towards the light…that’s the aim…and never you forget that… Always remember to smile, to laugh, to be happy even for the shortest possible time…. Make that your goal and you’ll find that the duration of your smile, your laughter, your happiness is increasing…not because some magic happened all of a sudden but because you just trained your unruly mind to search for happiness in each and every situation, any sort that might be….

Again and again I keep emphasizing on happiness because I staunchly believe that if you don’t have happiness in life then you have absolutely nothing in life….you are the poorest of all the beggars in this world…. (Trigger) Depression is just a jargon…It is nothing but deep seated unresolved ego issues. How? I become unhappy when things don’t go my way with the emphasis being on “my”. Depression means that the intensity of that unhappiness is increased so many times that it becomes difficult to handle for a person. Hence, one finds life intolerable, unliveable, dead because it becomes their firm belief that nothing’s gonna go their way so it would be better to stop making an effort altogether to do anything. One loses their will to live because of that. But what I would like to ask here is that are we really so self-centered that only because something didn’t go our way that we become depressed and stop living from that moment onwards? And as if this weren’t enough we think of an another act of extreme selfishness, i.e., suicide. In our hurry to leave behind a meaningless life, do we ever think of the people we would leave heartbroken if we committed that extreme act of selfishness? No, we don’t. I know because I have been on that edge and I, somehow, found the strength to step back from it…I was lucky I guess!

So, people, if you have to be selfish, then be selfish in loving yourself, be selfish in loving the people around you, be selfish in being happy, be selfish in letting things go! Set your goals right or rather set right goals!

Be Selfish!

Be Happy!

Keep Walking….

Darkness…

There’s too much darkness around me today…It’s pulling me towards itself…to wrap its arms oh-so-lovingly around me…But I won’t give up, I won’t give in to it…it always takes me in the wrong direction…makes me take wrong decisions….it’s quite late in the night….I am feeling sleepy but I am too restless to sleep…I don’t know what to do…I’m at loose ends….M waiting for this feeling to pass…for the darkness to lighten up a little….Keep busy…Keep busy…Keep busy…is the mantra….how could I forget it? Remember it at all the crucial times, at times like this….when darkness comes crawling in or seeps slowly through the cracks in the wall…..and this wall has so many cracks! Gotta reinforce this wall some day, one day I will! Not today…that day isn’t today….Today is the day of sometimes darkness, sometimes light….today is the day of fight….fight against BPD….against depression…..against wrong behaviour pattern…..against destructive behaviour pattern. Today is the day of change…..Change in myself…I have to accept what things are wrong with me and then try my best to make those changes that I am comfortable with or compatible with.

In the meanwhile….

Keep Walking….

 

My Journey Till Now – I

images

So, those of you in touch with me or following my blog know that the past two and half years of my life have been a steep learning curve for me… a time of reflection, meditation & personal growth. I lost everything that I could materially lose and gained a disorder in return – a curse where I could go into depression any time, any moment things went bad for me – the name of this curse was Borderline Personality Disorder aka BPD. Little did I know at that time that it would be a blessing in disguise! Yes! You read right! I called my curse a blessing. I’ll shortly tell you why!

When I was diagnosed with BPD I was into deep depression but I remember feeling relieved….being happy about it, that I had a concrete problem to tackle….a diagnosis of BPD answered all the questions that I had about my random behaviour till date. I was happy to know that something was wrong with me because then I could fix it however difficult it proved to be. And, boy, was it difficult! So, I tightened my belt, set my shoulders against the twin boulders of BPD and depression and started pushing towards the goal where I could have as much of a normal life as possible (absolutely normal life is overrated, is boring). But this resolve did not come as easily as it sounds here nor it is as difficult as it seems. It is just a human being’s quest for happiness – the difficulty only magnified a thousand times as the problem lies in the mind and the mind is the source of all happiness – so how do you uproot the problem so that only happiness remains? I believe I have found the path and I’m walking on it – one step at a time.

One thing that I have learnt in the past two and a half years is that you have got to believe in your goal fully, completely and keep moving continuously in its direction – you’ll keep falling, now and again – but you’ve got to get up, dust yourself up and start walking again. Sometimes, you’ll get caught in a maze and end up at the starting point, you’ll feel dejected, but that’s okay (though it won’t seem so then), that’s life – full of struggle. That’s how it is for everyone. You aren’t special. Your struggle isn’t special…just the magnitude is more, the load is heavier.

Everyone is mentally unwell, one way or the other, concealed or obvious but everyone is. Mine is just more evident, more on the surface. Good that it is on the surface. I can work on it and eradicate it from my mind. One is not given a load more than one cannot carry. Others are oblivious to their mental issues I am not. I have been given this because I can carry this load. I know my personal demon very closely and thus, can exorcise it from my existence. This realization gives me the power, the strength to fight with my demon every day and gain mastery over it, gain victory over it – one day at a time!

In the past 30 months, I have been through certain stages pertaining to my mental health issues. I am gonna mention these stages here with the hope that they might help someone else in need maybe –

  1. Acceptance – Just accepting that I had depression was very difficult for me because I could see no reason for it. My life was absolutely fine on the surface. I had a nice job, plenty of friends, lovely family, everything that I could want. Also, I thought myself to be too smart and clever to fall into that particular trap. But I was also, too smart and clever to ignore the signs which clearly told me that I needed some kind of help otherwise I would be in a huge trouble soon. So, I made a list of all my symptoms (I find it difficult to talk to a strange person about myself even if it is a doctor…hence a list – as a conversation starter) and sought out that help in the form of a top psychiatrist asap who gave me the diagnosis of depression and prescribed some meds. This is the first stage – Acceptance that I had a problem that needed addressing at the earliest possible time.
  2. Struggle – Initially, I couldn’t accept that I had depression but since the doctor was a really good one, I decided to evaluate my symptoms for myself (with the help of Google Momma) and there was the inescapable truth – I had depression! It took me a little time to adjust to the idea of depression and, frankly speaking, it wasn’t till I got the diagnosis of BPD that I accepted my depression diagnosis because as I earlier said, there was no valid reason that I could find for being in depression. The BPD diagnosis helped me to come to terms with my depression. This second stage of struggle was very hard and an arduous one…
  3. Dejection – So, not only did I have depression but I had another, more serious problem of BPD which would require more efforts than even Hercules would be willing to make to overcome! Each day, every moment would be a constant struggle. I had already been living such a life but the problem with knowing was the responsibility that came along with the knowing. I couldn’t just blame it on being a part of my nature because it was very much behavioural and something that I could change if only I learned to behave properly. As I said, even Hercules would refuse such a task. Our behaviours become almost fixed after a certain point in time and changing them is almost impossible as they become like second nature to us, instinctive. So, after all the research on BPD, dejection set in…. Surprisingly, I was not worried about depression…I knew that some day soon I would smile again because I chose happiness long back than I can ever remember. I made happiness my choice, my goal, my ambition – long back! So, I knew I could come out of depression one day soon enough (all it requires is a commitment to yourself to laugh every day even if there is nothing worth laughing). But BPD kept me dejected for a while because I had to struggle with it every moment, every day. It felt very difficult to me. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel named BPD.
  4. Acceptance – In the middle of all this dejection and struggle phase, I was recommended a book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E Frankl by a dear friend which helped me accept my struggle with BPD. It makes for one very interesting read. It helped me understand how basically everyone struggles for happiness in life. All I had to do was struggle a bit more than the rest. But even that is not correct. There is no objective way to measure one’s struggle to that of other person’s. Everyone feels that their struggle has been the hardest because struggle, by its very nature, is subjective. This led to acceptance of all that it meant to be a BPD person by me (though I am not limited by it).
  5. Blame-On-It – This was a short duration phase which did not last long as I started coming out of depression and smartly using the excuse of BPD or depression for getting things done my way. It worked for a while but then stopped as people around me became wiser to my tricks…:-D I’m not proud to say that I did use it for a while very successfully….
  6. Fight-Against-It – This was a really crucial stage where, after I found that I could no more use BPD as a reason to get away with doing mischief, I decided that it was time to start finding a way to handle it. I was already coming out of depression (it happened through meds, counselling, meditation and keeping really, really busy) and I needed to find a way to tackle my BPD side so that I could become independent of the medicines that I was still taking. It started by making infinitesimal changes in my behaviour or thought pattern – by saying positive things, thinking positive thoughts. reiterating good behaviour patterns, taking a pause to think before acting, stop acting rashly, to think before speaking….I could go on. Small changes that make the bigger picture… Difficult to do, very difficult but not impossible, never impossible. I decided not to give up! That was my most important change that I made…. Not to give up on myself, on me….I would cure myself of BPD…..
  7. Co-exist – Now, my BPD and I co-exist peacefully. It does act up at times. I still struggle every day…. but there have been many significant changes…I don’t need to struggle every moment now….There are many times when I spend my time almost normally….
  8. Mastery – I still have to reach this stage. One day, I will have complete mastery over my mind, over my BPD and that day I will be fully free of all kinds of mental illnesses.
  9. Happiness – That day I will be completely happy. Today, I am happy most of the times which is better than what most of us have and that is perfectly fine with me and enough for me.

Happiness is the goal. And I keep walking….As Always…

Keep Walking….

“Me” Time…

Drawing a blank each time I think of writing something…. If I lose this then there are only a few things left with me which are worth living for…. The bad dark is coming closer and closer today….is clinging too close to the surface….I wish to shoo it away but I am just too tired…wish someone could do it for me…take away the bad darkness and leave me in peace with the good, soothing darkness so that I could just draw it deep inside me, hide in it and relax and rejuvenate a little bit…sink deep in it….take a little break from the world around me…I need some “me” time…not going to get it any time soon…waiting for next week to come as soon as possible…going for a Vipassana retreat….it will be 10 days of total fun for me…lots of peace, silence and “me” time…. Patience, dear heart, patience…next week is not that far…

In the meanwhile…

Keep Walking…

Being Selfish…

Being selfish is absolutely fine sometimes when you can see no other way out of a situation…when being selfish is the only path available to you, you take that path…you walk it….you protect yourself….what do you do when you see others protecting themselves in a flood…during an avalanche…so all you need to do is ignore your instincts and become selfish…you PROTECT YOURSELF…And it’s absolutely fine with the society too… who ever thought of that… A hypocritical society we live in…. A society that extols selflessness as a virtue in times of leisure and lauds selfishness in dire times. So, go ahead, be selfish! Who thought there would be such commendation in something so wicked…

I had this experience in recent times… Turned to a friend when I was in dire need and my friend turned on me instead and told me to be independent and to stop being so whiny and dependent on others (others being my family and closest friends – count being 2)…basically called me a dead weight…. so here I am being selfish the way I know how to be. I have decided not to be a dead weight to anyone who is unwilling to be a participant in carrying my load of BPD with me. Why bog down reluctant people with my issues, my needs? Relationships are meant to be symbiotic not parasitic…even more so with me coz I have special needs… Of all relationships, friendship is the only one which enjoys unparalleled equal footing. When that is lost, the friendship is doomed…mine was too… So, I became selfish…already have so much load on me…then why carry one more load of a doomed relationship?

But Always,

Keep Walking…