“Me” Time…

Drawing a blank each time I think of writing something…. If I lose this then there are only a few things left with me which are worth living for…. The bad dark is coming closer and closer today….is clinging too close to the surface….I wish to shoo it away but I am just too tired…wish someone could do it for me…take away the bad darkness and leave me in peace with the good, soothing darkness so that I could just draw it deep inside me, hide in it and relax and rejuvenate a little bit…sink deep in it….take a little break from the world around me…I need some “me” time…not going to get it any time soon…waiting for next week to come as soon as possible…going for a Vipassana retreat….it will be 10 days of total fun for me…lots of peace, silence and “me” time…. Patience, dear heart, patience…next week is not that far…

In the meanwhile…

Keep Walking…

Advertisements

Being Selfish…

Being selfish is absolutely fine sometimes when you can see no other way out of a situation…when being selfish is the only path available to you, you take that path…you walk it….you protect yourself….what do you do when you see others protecting themselves in a flood…during an avalanche…so all you need to do is ignore your instincts and become selfish…you PROTECT YOURSELF…And it’s absolutely fine with the society too… who ever thought of that… A hypocritical society we live in…. A society that extols selflessness as a virtue in times of leisure and lauds selfishness in dire times. So, go ahead, be selfish! Who thought there would be such commendation in something so wicked…

I had this experience in recent times… Turned to a friend when I was in dire need and my friend turned on me instead and told me to be independent and to stop being so whiny and dependent on others (others being my family and closest friends – count being 2)…basically called me a dead weight…. so here I am being selfish the way I know how to be. I have decided not to be a dead weight to anyone who is unwilling to be a participant in carrying my load of BPD with me. Why bog down reluctant people with my issues, my needs? Relationships are meant to be symbiotic not parasitic…even more so with me coz I have special needs… Of all relationships, friendship is the only one which enjoys unparalleled equal footing. When that is lost, the friendship is doomed…mine was too… So, I became selfish…already have so much load on me…then why carry one more load of a doomed relationship?

But Always,

Keep Walking…

Session 2…

Gearing up for second session with my doctor… She had given me a task to write all my thoughts, as in questions, that pop up in my brain down in a notebook. I have written three pages worthy questions and thoughts down. Dunno what she’s gonna do with them.

Am I gonna get some answers to the never ending questions I used to and still have? Will she give me a navigating device to travel through this maze called world a little easier? Will she provide certain solutions to my problems? I fervently hope so. Or will she make me walk the path and provide me enough hints and nudges to guide me along it? I certainly hope not as I am bound to get lost in the maze with or without the navigating device or even a guardian angel.

All these emotions bubbling inside me – I am still afloat though. Not yet drowning so that’s good.Fingers crossed and growing apprehensive by every moment…. Wonder what nugget of wisdom will tomorrow bring or will it even bring anything for me, to me?

Keep Walking…

New Medicines – Part II

It’s official… The new medicines are awesome… They have made me so calm. The storm in my brain has quietened down to a significant level. Enjoying it so much. A calm and quiet mind is such a paradise. So what if I miss talking to my shadow self. This calmness is good… After a long time too… And it gels well with my Vipassana practice too… There’s nothing more I could ask from my life at this particular juncture. I’m blessed.

Hence,

Keep Walking…

My Musings…

So published my first book today using Kindle Direct Publishing tool… The name of my book is – My Musings… Feeling elated and apprehensive at the same time… So many questions in my mind. It is a short collection of 25 of my poems. The ebook is available in the Kindle store whereas the paperback is available on the Amazon site (www.amazon.com). If you really love my poems and would like to have them with you forever, then you can buy the book and support me at the same time.

Paperback – https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1981000224?selectObb=new

Ebook – https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CTNT1BW

Kind of at loose ends right now… Mood’s swinging like a pendulum from left to right…or is it right to left…doesn’t matter anyways….

Thank you everybody for giving me the courage to do something like this…It’s been an arduous journey…Still a long road to go….Just thank you….

Till then…

Keep Walking…

Keep Walking…

keep_walking

When life gets you down

Teases you, pushes you

Makes you fall

Makes you roll in the dirt

Just get up

Pat your dress

And move on

Keep walking.

Always in motion

Forever in movement

Keep walking

On and on.

Never give up

Don’t get down

There’s someone

More miserable

Down the road

There you go

Keep going

The road must lead

On and on

It might be crowded

With stones and thorns

Sweep them away

Be determined

Don’t be harsh

To fellow travellers

Show’em the path

Be good, be kind.

Keep walking!

Comfortably Numb…

Numb

Sometimes, my meds make me numb to the world around me or rather numb my senses so that I perceive the world through a glass or from enough distance that it fails to leave any lasting impact on me… I sometimes love those times. For example, when I have processed too much emotion or been through a wringer, I crave such an escape, such oblivion… my mind is all calm and no one, nothing can disturb it…

At other times, I scare myself out of my mind thinking what’s happening to me…thinking if it’s the same person who used to enjoy such a hectic lifestyle that sleeping at night used to seem like a waste of time.

Anyways, I take each day, each moment as it comes… There’s nothing else to be done. And always…whatever situation I find myself in, I am in control, in the driver seat…except for when I lose control, when I’m just going through the motions…

Keep Walking…