At loose ends. Don’t know what I feel about things. Don’t understand my own emotions. They are all so messed up, mixed up. Dunno what it is that I want. Just wanna go to sleep. And then sleep some more so that I don’t have to think.
I’m so miserable right now. It hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it, how to breath through this pain. So, I go to my standard response of snapping at anyone who tries to have a normal conversation with me. It’s easy…the habit, the pattern, the mould. It’s difficult, almost near to impossible to break it. Why do I do this? I hurt people around me when I am in one of my moods. And I know that I am hurting them but I am unable to stop myself. And then I despise myself for it. And the pain increases and I can’t seem to either stop it or get a grip on it. The vicious circle continues.
Anyways, I have been rattling for long. It’s time I end this blog. It’s my curse to bear…
Others cannot hurt you. The actions of others do not give rise to emotions in you. You feel, you react because those emotions are already there inside you. You react to your own emotions. You perceive the words and actions of others the way you have habituated yourself to do. Good habits and bad – both are learned, both trainable. Your perception is what that matters. If your perception is positive, your emotions are positive, then you keep calm even in the most dire and worst of situations. If your perception is negative, then you end up making yourself miserable even in the best situation.
Don’t blame others for your misery. The root of it lies within yourself, in your own mind, in the training you have given your mind. Improve your thoughts, improve your mind, educate it, don’t be blind. Improve your self, improve your life. The path to eternal happiness lies within your own mind. Find it. Walk on it diligently, sincerely. In no time, you will reach your goal. Become the calm, serene, deep lake that you can be. No ripples, no waves. Just peace. Just sanity. Just happiness. Don’t beg for happiness, don’t cry for it or feel as if you are entitled to it. No one is! Work for it, work hard! Train your mind, make it pure. That’s the only way.
Why? Why all the jealousy? The backbiting, general bitchiness… How does it help you? Does it make you feel good by putting me down, calling me names? But how can that be if you do it behind my back? If you can’t say it to my face how can that make you feel anything but a coward? If you think me to be petty, shallow and selfish, how does spreading ugly gossips behind my back make you a good person?
Why don’t you rise from the mediocrity of your situation if mine makes you jealous? Why don’t you improve your personality if mine makes you look uncouth? You have to find the answer within yourself… Try to improve your own situation… Jealously is stupid! Incredibly so! Won’t help you any way… Backbiting will provide only temporary relief not a long term solution…
All your actions just prove what a small minded, mealy-mouthed person you are in reality! So you actually prove yourself to be exactly what you are scared of – smaller and more primitive than the person you are jealous of! Rise up from the mental gutter you have made your comfort zone and struggle for your personal advancement. Uplift yourself! Give up habits that hurt yourself first then others!
How can love be good when it hurts so bad? How can relationships be good when they take away your independence? How can emotions be a virtue and a lack of them inhuman when they cloud your reason, dirty your mind and make everything unsure and uncertain! Free will and free mind are the unique characteristics of being human… An emotional state steals away your humanity! A perfectly logical mind is the utopia of the rational man… You say there’s a hell! I say – Hell yes! An overly emotional person is in the hell of her own making!
Never wanted to say goodbye, Never wished to utter a sad sigh, Never to find you gone from my side, Never thought I would be alone on this ride. Seems like it was just yesterday, We were young and so in love, Sunny and bright our days and nights, Laughter filled the space between us. Now the day has grown old, the light’s retreated, I wonder when fights became our norm, The lies and accusations grew tenfold, The hurt in your eyes cut me to the bone! All that was left was the final act, Of this little play, now the curtain’s dropped. We make a bow to the empty house, The dreams shattered, littered piles! And still the goodbye flays me alive, Knife-edged pain shreds my heart, I break like a million pieces of glass, Bloodied, battered – an unrecognizable mass.