Mirror

Broken mirror

Shards galore

A million reflections

Whole no more.

Fractured identity

Confusion’s reign

A thousand splits

Unity to feign?

Personalities differ

Existence’s bane

Moods aswing

Mundane or sane?

Weighty issue

Crushed beneath

No Atlas mighty

No laurel wreath.

Struggle accustomed

Accustomed yearning

Infinite loop

Caught in the churning.

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Life’s Whiplashes…

whiplash
Day after day passes by
Bunched under the same grey sky.
Will the colour ever change?
Will I ever get the rainbow range?

Do I even wish for one?
When all is weighed, said and done.
Or am I destined for monochrome
Dogeared pages of a single tome.

Dreary dull, greying greyed
Opposite to the life I’d made.
The existence is bare now
To live some way, to live some how.

All the living I have to shun
To mingle, to play, to have some fun.
This is to be my penance for my deeds
A desolate carcass for the crows to feed.

Alas! Even the crows have deserted me!
They’ve fixed their sights on greener seas!
Now only am I truly abandoned
Life has departed, I’m shunned.

Again and again I wonder why
Is my destiny to try to cry.
No tears gather upon my lashes
‘Pon my skin, life’s whiplashes.

Vice…

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You come creeping in
Like a silent ghost
Or you come barging in
Like an honoured guest.
However it may be
You refuse to leave.
You put down your roots
Slyly steal the loots
No I, my or me
You take over my self
You reel me in
Like a fish on the hook
I flop and twist
But I can’t escape.
Maybe I am bedazzled
Enticed by your glamour fake
You hijack the physical
You cast an allure mystical
I’m just an ordinary being
There’s nothing supernatural.
I’m caught like a mouse
You are my Pied Piper
I dance on your tune
Dark, insane or violent.
You are now a fire
Burning in my cells
Melting the original
Morphing into something else.
I look into the mirror
I see a face reflected back
Human in origin
But bestial and dead.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.

It’s been a long time now
Since we have been one
You have eaten me up
Swallowed piecemeal and whole.
My faithful friend and foe
Now where do you go?
Leaving me dying
You search your next victim.
So many lined up
So many at the rim.
Will you push in just one?
Or play with many?
Now at the end
My vision’s clear
I sight your true nature.
You are a bloated beast.
My sisters and brothers
On their carcass you feast.
How I repent now
My own misguided folly
A moment of weakness
A lifetime of excess.
In this last moment
I relinquish your hold.
Light is my soul
As l break free of this mould.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.

Runaway Town…

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Soul deep tiredness
Creep in the bones
Drudgery of dailiness
Sink in like stones.

Runaway Town
Flight of one.
Takeoff, touchdown
Crash and burn.

A bumpy ride,
A landing happy.
A dark underside,
A terrain trappy.

An empty, old shell,
Exposed, naked seat.
Stuck in a marshy dell.
In the sun and sleet

A tired husk,
A dry skeleton.
A solemn dusk,
A final home run.

A Dark Escape…

20125251534_darkness

Sweet Escape
Fill in the space
Between the dark and light
Between the dawn and night.

Sweeter taste
Of dreams so chaste
Flights of innocence
Purest in essence.

Sweetest sleep
Please let me keep
The promise of slumber
No chains to encumber.

“Wait for you, I do each night;
Take me in your arms, in sweetest delight.
Each moment I struggle, each minute I fight
Alas! Every time, it’s a dark, endless flight.
Wait for you, I do each night
A gaze bleary, a sunken sight.
Lie by my side, ease my plight.
Seep in my soul, make it right.”

Trapped…

image

I am trapped
Show me the way
Please oh please
Something show me the way.

I am caught
In a web of lies and deceit
My lungs burn for air
Suffocating against the weave.

I fight
The urge to thrash
Against the ropes
The walls that I am lashed.

I shred
The skin off my bones
In blind panic
Hurl against the stones.

I thirst
My throat’s on fire
An agony in my stomach
I dream a pyre.

I howl
My soul rattles and clangs
A fight for freedom
A dirge it sang.

I fly
High above the clouds
Wispy, ethereal
No darkness shrouds.

Hope? Check. Happiness? Double Check!

meditation

Introvert – Check. Depression – Check. Suicidal feelings – Check.

One thing I learned about myself from that dark dark period of my life is that I am a survivor and that life is too precious to just give up especially when you are not in any sort of rational mind to take such an important decision.

A bit of a background:

I was depressed for around 3.5 years from 2008 – 2011 and some part of 2012 as well. Being an introvert, I never shared the depth of my malady and the seriousness of it with anyone though in hindsight I can clearly see that I didn’t know that I was in depression. All I knew was that something was very, very wrong with me, that I was always tired – mentally, physically and emotionally, couldn’t connect with anyone around me but since I couldn’t always connect with people before I never gave it much thought. But I was really tired of living, having to wake up every morning with no thought/no ambition, nothing to motivate me, to just get through the day somehow and once when the day was dead, there was still the night to pass. Insomnia became a norm. No rest in the night and hence, no energy in the morning. I was going through the motions of life but reality didn’t seem real anymore. I was in a haze, trapped in my mind by my own mind. No prison can be worse than one’s own mind! It knows your darkest thoughts, secrets, your worst memories and will throw them at you when you least expect it to and depression is not the best time for this. I, too, had a balcony from where I could see the world passing by. Normal people living their normal lives. And there I was! Trapped in the darkness, cut off from the world with no escape! I so wanted to fly away from that balcony, leave all the pain and darkness behind. Just fly away, light as a bird towards freedom, happiness, the heaven! Ah! Sweet escape!

But some threads held me back or I won’t be here writing this article now. Obviously, some of the threads were the people in my life who have only loved and supported me completely throughout my life. I couldn’t make such an important decision without thinking about them. One of the threads was my eminently practical nature which promptly asked me – What if you don’t die? What if you just lose a couple of your limbs or your spine and become a burden to your parents through no fault of theirs? I couldn’t punish them so. Of course, I knew a few more ways to commit suicide successfully but these questions held me back because they showed me that all hope was not lost. What I was thinking of as one continuous dark night actually held a ray of hope. I hadn’t given up hoping even in the darkest period of my life. The questions showed me that. And that was it! That stopped me! Because I am truly human! So long as there is hope I will persevere! So long as there is hope things are not as bad as they seem. That evening I cursed myself that I couldn’t even be strong enough to commit suicide without being analytical about it. But that was the very moment when I started believing somewhere in my mind that one day I will be happy again, that I will come out of this constant soul-sucking misery. Not that I became alright overnight! No. That doesn’t happen in real life. Took a really long time. But I had hope and that was enough for the time being.

Today, I look back and I am darned proud of myself that I didn’t give up. What would I have to show for myself if I had given up? Nothing but a broken body and worse, a broken spirit! Today I know that I a very strong person because I have been through the fire and lived to tell the tale. Today I know that what I thought as cowardice on my part was nothing but sheer courage and determination to fight my condition. It would have been ridiculously easy to give up! But something in me did not – the part that made me truly human! Human beings are known for their tenacity, perseverance and hope. After having evolved for around 2 million years, it would be poor performance on my part to give up just when faced with a little pain and misery! I couldn’t do that.

What gave me hope then was my faith in my personal God – the one I believed in who gave me nothing but love, understanding and acceptance always. Then who was I to doubt that I was not worthy of being alive? The other thing that helped me was the meditation. I was very fond of meditation when I was growing up. As an introvert, I loved spending time meditating and had the art of introspection down to a pat. Since I was used to meditating for a long time, I got to attend a 10-day Vipassana course at an early age. By the time all this happened, I had already attended Vipassana thrice and though I wasn’t a regular practitioner then, I think that Vipassana helped me to not lose hope and ultimately helped me in coming out of it. Now, I know that it did indeed play a huge role in helping me then. Of course, I did not come to know about all these things until I came out of the depression. Also, it helped that I hadn’t labeled my situation. Sometimes, labels really suck! I think I would have been even more depressed if I had known the name of my malady – it would have scared me more and wouldn’t have helped a bit in return!

Remember at all times: Having depression doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that it is a test and you will emerge a stronger, better, more evolved and mature person once you have come out of it. Don’t let anyone put you down or make you feel like shit or call you a weirdo. One has to walk in someone’s shoes to know their problems.

So, to sum-up:

  1. Give yourself a break. So, something truly horrible happened. It’s okay to be miserable, to be depressed. Maybe the “normies” can’t understand that. That’s fine. It’s okay to break into thousand pieces sometimes. It’s okay not to be strong, happy, rational and normal all the time. It’s normal. Don’t make a big deal out of it. How will that help you?
  2. Never give up hope. Cliched but true. Hope when you have nothing left to hope. Just hope blindly. Have faith in your hope that one day in future, no matter how long it takes, you will be happy again. Till then, continue the fake laughter – fake is better than the silence. Change your perspective or if you can’t at least adopt this one for the time being – Hope is never far away. It’s always there right along with the pain, suffering and misery. We just can’t see it then.
  3. Try meditation or prayer. It helps by creating positive energy within us. I have found Vipassana pretty awesome and effective (http://vipassana.org/). They run a ten day residential course free of cost across different locations in India and other countries.
  4. Look to your family for strength. No matter what happens, they will always love and support you whether you ask for it or not.
  5. Be strong and believe in yourself. The dawn is sweetest when the night is blackest!

Be happy!