Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Darkness Rising…

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Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.

A Knot In Space-time…

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A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme
A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind.
They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder
I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour.
My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis.
The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis.
Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be?
Me having no control over my moods and reactions –
Is something I believe in not.
Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure.
Am I destined to always be of two minds
Or will I ever make up with one of them?
Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter
So long I have a pill or two to take.
Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter
What does it really matter?
Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns
Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne.
I go now to pop some pills
Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.

A Rage…

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I have held the raging beast,
With its horns,
My arms aflame,
With raging agony.

Just hold on for a moment awhile,
I smell the victory,
With the rising sun,
In all its glory.

Arms blooded,
The task herculean,
Muscles torn,
Misery yet unborn.

The wispy promise of victory yet,
The drunk revelry of success.
Against all odds,
Life flourishes.

I throw all my rage and emotion,
Hideous beast my soul’s creation.
Beloved, deadly – a dangerous combination.
A beauty, a siren, a nymph, a tease.

Lost…

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Lost am I
Someone please show me the way
Through the mazes of my mind
Guide me through the fire lights.

What I do
Insignificant things
Plans of grandeur
To dust they fall.

So much rage, so much pain
I cry deep tears – a rain
My brain’s a mush, Pill popping a game
Memory’s no use – it’s down the drain

Vice…

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You come creeping in
Like a silent ghost
Or you come barging in
Like an honoured guest.
However it may be
You refuse to leave.
You put down your roots
Slyly steal the loots
No I, my or me
You take over my self
You reel me in
Like a fish on the hook
I flop and twist
But I can’t escape.
Maybe I am bedazzled
Enticed by your glamour fake
You hijack the physical
You cast an allure mystical
I’m just an ordinary being
There’s nothing supernatural.
I’m caught like a mouse
You are my Pied Piper
I dance on your tune
Dark, insane or violent.
You are now a fire
Burning in my cells
Melting the original
Morphing into something else.
I look into the mirror
I see a face reflected back
Human in origin
But bestial and dead.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.

It’s been a long time now
Since we have been one
You have eaten me up
Swallowed piecemeal and whole.
My faithful friend and foe
Now where do you go?
Leaving me dying
You search your next victim.
So many lined up
So many at the rim.
Will you push in just one?
Or play with many?
Now at the end
My vision’s clear
I sight your true nature.
You are a bloated beast.
My sisters and brothers
On their carcass you feast.
How I repent now
My own misguided folly
A moment of weakness
A lifetime of excess.
In this last moment
I relinquish your hold.
Light is my soul
As l break free of this mould.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.