A Dream…

There is a dream

In the corners of my mind

Unformed, blurred

The picture unlined.

There’s a dream

In my soul,

Dances on the music

When the church bells toll.

There’s a dream

I see daily

Of green meadows and peace

Of home, hearth and bailey.

There’s a dream

That I envision

Smiling faces, stolen kisses

Midsummer illusion.

There’s a dream

By the brook

Bubbling away

It calmly took

Hope of those

Who dared to look.

Accursed dream

Bewitched brook

Hope drownedeth

The heart shook.

And still I see

A dream unfinished

The edges hazy

The story diminished.

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Patience…

Patience is a virtue I do not seem to possess…. Whether that’s a part of having BPD or just being me, I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s frustrating when the ball is in the other person’s court and you have no control over the outcome….

Dear heart! Have some patience!

Gah! Did you just say patience?

Don’t you know me?

As I said…. Frustrating!

Transition…

In transition,

Disturbing, uneasy,

Fire under the skin

In the mind, a din.

Clutter everywhere,

Mess reigns fair,

Nothing can be found

In this dumping ground.

In limbo

Was stuck,

For how long

Dunno much,

The story’s unfinished as such.

Half life

Yearns completion

No resources

All depletion.

Gotta borrow some.

In twilight

No movement

All alone

Alas! The bereavement!

The only living known.

In transition

Entire existence

Daily struggle

Daily subsistence.

The state of mortality.

Question Mark…

I hear words

That don’t exist

An extra sensory perception

Which get me labelled crazy.

Feel

I feel emotions

Strong and intense

They ignore it saying

It is my accursed nature.

Reign

Confusions reign

So much exists

My eternal bane.

Pain

Blunt and sharp

No one to share

Say I unnecessarily harp.

Existence

Pale and wane

Too much too less

A giant a wraith

Paradox

Material metaphysical

Today tomorrow

In truth in vain.

Happiness…

Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…

Best of luck in your quest to find her…

Keep walking…

Tears…

Tears

No one sees them

So what if

They are hidden

They need none

To validate

Their presence

Their authenticity of it.

Tears

No one knows

Where they flow

Down from the eyes

Or travel do they

A lifetime in a few inches?

Tears

What do they bring?

Forgiveness, penitence, succour

Or just

More of their kind?

Tears

My whole world is

Today drowned whole

All I see is water

The salty kind one

It stings my eyes

Suffocates my breath

Slowly softly

I drown with it

One last embraces

As it gives me.

BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….