Broken mirror
Shards galore
A million reflections
Whole no more.
Fractured identity
Confusion’s reign
A thousand splits
Unity to feign?
Personalities differ
Existence’s bane
Moods aswing
Mundane or sane?
Weighty issue
Crushed beneath
No Atlas mighty
No laurel wreath.
Struggle accustomed
Accustomed yearning
Infinite loop
Caught in the churning.
Drawing a blank each time I think of writing something…. If I lose this then there are only a few things left with me which are worth living for…. The bad dark is coming closer and closer today….is clinging too close to the surface….I wish to shoo it away but I am just too tired…wish someone could do it for me…take away the bad darkness and leave me in peace with the good, soothing darkness so that I could just draw it deep inside me, hide in it and relax and rejuvenate a little bit…sink deep in it….take a little break from the world around me…I need some “me” time…not going to get it any time soon…waiting for next week to come as soon as possible…going for a Vipassana retreat….it will be 10 days of total fun for me…lots of peace, silence and “me” time…. Patience, dear heart, patience…next week is not that far…
In the meanwhile…
Keep Walking…
Hello Darkness, dear friend
Lets fly away together to that special place
Where there’s just you and me
And no one and nothing to chase.
To take a pause from this life
From all the light oh-so-bright
My eyes water or are they tears
How to know now it is night.
That place in dreams that I go to
Whenever you are with me
Wildly attractive, darkly beautiful
Forever mine and yours to be.
That place that we call home
Darkness, old friend, let’s go together
As without you to lighten my path
She disappears from existence into the ether.
Darkness, my friend, do not ever leave me
In the flotsam and jetsam called this life
All my constants are so no more
You are the only that’s no strife.
When did I ever say I was sane? I accept my craziness. Sanity is overrated!
Day after day passes by
Bunched under the same grey sky.
Will the colour ever change?
Will I ever get the rainbow range?
Do I even wish for one?
When all is weighed, said and done.
Or am I destined for monochrome
Dogeared pages of a single tome.
Dreary dull, greying greyed
Opposite to the life I’d made.
The existence is bare now
To live some way, to live some how.
All the living I have to shun
To mingle, to play, to have some fun.
This is to be my penance for my deeds
A desolate carcass for the crows to feed.
Alas! Even the crows have deserted me!
They’ve fixed their sights on greener seas!
Now only am I truly abandoned
Life has departed, I’m shunned.
Again and again I wonder why
Is my destiny to try to cry.
No tears gather upon my lashes
‘Pon my skin, life’s whiplashes.
Being selfish is absolutely fine sometimes when you can see no other way out of a situation…when being selfish is the only path available to you, you take that path…you walk it….you protect yourself….what do you do when you see others protecting themselves in a flood…during an avalanche…so all you need to do is ignore your instincts and become selfish…you PROTECT YOURSELF…And it’s absolutely fine with the society too… who ever thought of that… A hypocritical society we live in…. A society that extols selflessness as a virtue in times of leisure and lauds selfishness in dire times. So, go ahead, be selfish! Who thought there would be such commendation in something so wicked…
I had this experience in recent times… Turned to a friend when I was in dire need and my friend turned on me instead and told me to be independent and to stop being so whiny and dependent on others (others being my family and closest friends – count being 2)…basically called me a dead weight…. so here I am being selfish the way I know how to be. I have decided not to be a dead weight to anyone who is unwilling to be a participant in carrying my load of BPD with me. Why bog down reluctant people with my issues, my needs? Relationships are meant to be symbiotic not parasitic…even more so with me coz I have special needs… Of all relationships, friendship is the only one which enjoys unparalleled equal footing. When that is lost, the friendship is doomed…mine was too… So, I became selfish…already have so much load on me…then why carry one more load of a doomed relationship?
But Always,
Keep Walking…
Gearing up for second session with my doctor… She had given me a task to write all my thoughts, as in questions, that pop up in my brain down in a notebook. I have written three pages worthy questions and thoughts down. Dunno what she’s gonna do with them.
Am I gonna get some answers to the never ending questions I used to and still have? Will she give me a navigating device to travel through this maze called world a little easier? Will she provide certain solutions to my problems? I fervently hope so. Or will she make me walk the path and provide me enough hints and nudges to guide me along it? I certainly hope not as I am bound to get lost in the maze with or without the navigating device or even a guardian angel.
All these emotions bubbling inside me – I am still afloat though. Not yet drowning so that’s good.Fingers crossed and growing apprehensive by every moment…. Wonder what nugget of wisdom will tomorrow bring or will it even bring anything for me, to me?
Keep Walking…
