Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Isolation…

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Isolation in my mind
Dark shadows everywhere.
Cut apart, left adrift in the currents
Float do I in the flotsam of life.

Despair do I
Want to cry
Sometimes I cannot understand myself
A thousand emotions on a thousand shelves.

Overcrowded are they.
Pull out an emotion you may
Try but in the end of the day
A discordant symphony you play.

Discordant symphony or a cacophony
All they are, are fake, are phony
An empty mind, a desolation
Even the Doc says how bogus are my notions.

Lie heavily on my heart, does the isolation
Broken memories, false emotions
Weep, weep does my heart at the blackness
Surrounded as it is by shades of grey.

Is it all a farce played upon my mind
Or the truth of a fractured one?
I walk the thorny path of truth
Without a correct measure to enlighten.

I welcomed the numbness
In the beginning brought on by the meds
Alas, they are done for now
Isolation darkens the horizon now.