Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

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Vice…

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You come creeping in
Like a silent ghost
Or you come barging in
Like an honoured guest.
However it may be
You refuse to leave.
You put down your roots
Slyly steal the loots
No I, my or me
You take over my self
You reel me in
Like a fish on the hook
I flop and twist
But I can’t escape.
Maybe I am bedazzled
Enticed by your glamour fake
You hijack the physical
You cast an allure mystical
I’m just an ordinary being
There’s nothing supernatural.
I’m caught like a mouse
You are my Pied Piper
I dance on your tune
Dark, insane or violent.
You are now a fire
Burning in my cells
Melting the original
Morphing into something else.
I look into the mirror
I see a face reflected back
Human in origin
But bestial and dead.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.

It’s been a long time now
Since we have been one
You have eaten me up
Swallowed piecemeal and whole.
My faithful friend and foe
Now where do you go?
Leaving me dying
You search your next victim.
So many lined up
So many at the rim.
Will you push in just one?
Or play with many?
Now at the end
My vision’s clear
I sight your true nature.
You are a bloated beast.
My sisters and brothers
On their carcass you feast.
How I repent now
My own misguided folly
A moment of weakness
A lifetime of excess.
In this last moment
I relinquish your hold.
Light is my soul
As l break free of this mould.

An addiction in my brain
An addiction in my blood
Can’t give it up, can’t give it up
My life is down this dark lane.

Temptations…

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It’s only when the object of temptation is removed from the immediate vicinity of a person for an extended period of time that one can think clearly, rationally. It’s a rare type of people who can think rationally even in sight of their temptations. That takes special practice and extraordinary self-control.

In view of our temptations, all of us regress to the animalistic nature from which we evolved and that is still such an inherent part of our make-up. That does bring up the question if we are all done evolving or can we expect a better, more advanced version of ourselves in the future? Then I wonder what would be the future of those of us who are not able to upgrade themselves to the new and advanced version of humanity?

So…coming back… what I have found to be particularly useful is – get yourself away from your temptations, go back to your more rational self and then take any life-altering decisions. As an added precaution, sit on the decision for a couple of days and even after that if you think the decision is right, then go ahead and execute it! That way you will have a higher probability of success than failure in your decisions and lesser regret to live with in case of a failure. That way you will have the control of your baser nature; not the other way round…:-)