BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

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The Struggle – II

Need a break from everything tonight…. Need a break from self…. Dunno what’s wrong…. Just that I’m too tired of it all today….. Wanna end it all…. But can’t….. And won’t…. That path leads to defeat and I’m no loser….. Have never lost and won’t be learning to anytime soon now…. I’m feeling so miserable right now but I dunno the reason behind it….

There’s this continuous pain, metaphysical pain that goes on and on and I don’t know how to tackle it. Courage is not the absence of fear. True courage is when you are shit scared and still you do your duty. True courage is doing your duty responsibly in the face of adversity.

Have been reading different blogs thinking they might help me more…..

Keep walking …

Singularity…

I stay away from you

I do not mingle

The way I used to

There’s something in me

That craves the new

The old is gone

No time to blue.

There’s nothing left

That we can salvage

Just lonely carcass

To rend and burn

A festering mass

Away I turn

From this wreckage

Naively we called

A relationship was it?

Or a frothing mess of emotions

Too strong, too overwhelming

In the eye of the storm

Some peace to be found.

Turn I do now

Take some simple steps

In the direction

Opposite to you

Never thought it would be

So easy to give up

Silence reigns my soul

Not a single sigh does it make.

The time we spent together

As if doesn’t exist.

Whatever this was

It no more is.

Just the aloneness

The singularity that’s me.

In Burning…

Burning up I am

My skin sizzling

Drop of cold water

Dancing, misting

‘pon my skin

The haze of heat

Beating me down

Inside out

Geyser of

Sulphur springs

No succour

No pardon

A pyre of words

Daily burn

Immortal fire

Drapes around

Deadly embrace

Nothing but ashes

Rise up from it

Like a phoenix

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

New life

New chances

New dreams

New me.

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

Life gone

Chances squandered

Dead dreams

In ashes, me.

Phoenix no more

No sun to see

A regular human

Bonded, unfree.

The Happiness Funda…

You are responsible for only your happiness… You can make only yourself happy… The onus of your own happiness lies in your hands… It is impossible to make anyone else happy. So, don’t even try. Try that in which you can succeed… Making yourself truly happy. You will see that the happier you become, the happier will people around you will get…. Automatically…. All on their own… Because you distribute only that which you have…. If you are miserable, you distribute misery among others…. If you are angry, you make the people around you angry…. Thus, if you are happy, you will pass on that happiness to others… So, the only effort you can really make to see your near and dear ones happy is by being happy and at peace with yourself. One cannot occur without the other. They are a twin occurrence. Only a mind at peace can be truly happy. Be happy….

Keep Walking…

My Journey Till Now – II

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It’s not easy to open up and talk about the darkest phase of one’s life. But one has to make an effort in the hope that it might help even one person to take the right step in their life or maybe even move away from the edge if they are standing on one. Things are never, never as dark as they may seem…it’s just our perception that make them seem so… All you’ve got to do is have some faith in yourself, in time… Not for nothing is it said that Time is the Greatest Healer…. It actually is…With time on your side, anything is possible…. Things can change for you, become better or you can and will change, grow up and get some different perspective about your problems.

As I said, it’s difficult to talk about the darkest phase of your life…There’s residual pain, residual worry and always the fear with being a BPD person that I might be forced to visit the darklands again before I’m ready to do so… Many have said time and again that most of my blogs go in the dark vein than in the light vein….How can I answer that question? I have experienced and explored so much darkness inside and outside me that I am more comfortable being in the dark than in the light. Darkness soothes me, calls to me with its siren songs… It’s only recently that I have stopped listening to it (most of the times any way)…it will take time to change….change the fabric of my very nature….but rest assured I will….not all of me is dark. Some part is light, is happy, is fun….that attracts my dark side…I guess opposites attract… My light is also attracted towards my darkness…But I encourage my darkness to move towards the light…that’s the aim…and never you forget that… Always remember to smile, to laugh, to be happy even for the shortest possible time…. Make that your goal and you’ll find that the duration of your smile, your laughter, your happiness is increasing…not because some magic happened all of a sudden but because you just trained your unruly mind to search for happiness in each and every situation, any sort that might be….

Again and again I keep emphasizing on happiness because I staunchly believe that if you don’t have happiness in life then you have absolutely nothing in life….you are the poorest of all the beggars in this world…. (Trigger) Depression is just a jargon…It is nothing but deep seated unresolved ego issues. How? I become unhappy when things don’t go my way with the emphasis being on “my”. Depression means that the intensity of that unhappiness is increased so many times that it becomes difficult to handle for a person. Hence, one finds life intolerable, unliveable, dead because it becomes their firm belief that nothing’s gonna go their way so it would be better to stop making an effort altogether to do anything. One loses their will to live because of that. But what I would like to ask here is that are we really so self-centered that only because something didn’t go our way that we become depressed and stop living from that moment onwards? And as if this weren’t enough we think of an another act of extreme selfishness, i.e., suicide. In our hurry to leave behind a meaningless life, do we ever think of the people we would leave heartbroken if we committed that extreme act of selfishness? No, we don’t. I know because I have been on that edge and I, somehow, found the strength to step back from it…I was lucky I guess!

So, people, if you have to be selfish, then be selfish in loving yourself, be selfish in loving the people around you, be selfish in being happy, be selfish in letting things go! Set your goals right or rather set right goals!

Be Selfish!

Be Happy!

Keep Walking….

Darkness…

There’s too much darkness around me today…It’s pulling me towards itself…to wrap its arms oh-so-lovingly around me…But I won’t give up, I won’t give in to it…it always takes me in the wrong direction…makes me take wrong decisions….it’s quite late in the night….I am feeling sleepy but I am too restless to sleep…I don’t know what to do…I’m at loose ends….M waiting for this feeling to pass…for the darkness to lighten up a little….Keep busy…Keep busy…Keep busy…is the mantra….how could I forget it? Remember it at all the crucial times, at times like this….when darkness comes crawling in or seeps slowly through the cracks in the wall…..and this wall has so many cracks! Gotta reinforce this wall some day, one day I will! Not today…that day isn’t today….Today is the day of sometimes darkness, sometimes light….today is the day of fight….fight against BPD….against depression…..against wrong behaviour pattern…..against destructive behaviour pattern. Today is the day of change…..Change in myself…I have to accept what things are wrong with me and then try my best to make those changes that I am comfortable with or compatible with.

In the meanwhile….

Keep Walking….