Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

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Lost…

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Lost am I
Someone please show me the way
Through the mazes of my mind
Guide me through the fire lights.

What I do
Insignificant things
Plans of grandeur
To dust they fall.

So much rage, so much pain
I cry deep tears – a rain
My brain’s a mush, Pill popping a game
Memory’s no use – it’s down the drain

In the Night-time…

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Sorry!
Such an easy word.
Then why can’t I say it to myself?
Why can’t I forgive?
 
All the misdeeds of years bygone;
Come crowding in my mind.
I flounder betimes; drown betimes;
In the flotsam and jetsam of the time.
 
I choose the logical way,
None of the emotional crap for me.
And still I can’t see no escape
Or the smallest hole to creep.
 
Sleep, sleep little bird,
Tarry a bit by my  bedside.
You’ll find new vistas in your dreams,
Happiness to come, stories to weave,
Hurry, hurry little bird,
So much left to do by night time.
 
In the darkest of the hours,
Slumber sweetly in my arms
No shadow shall befall you.
No troubled heart, just ease at last.
Green and light and sweet countryside
To touch your dreams and ease your soul.

Tears…

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So many tears,
Still inside me
Come out, come out,
Don’t play hide and seek.
Beneficial to none
You or me.
 
Come down as if,
Torrents of rain.
Or the colourful condensations
On my windowpane.
 
Come down as the gushing spring,
Running against the passage of time.
Beautiful teardrops of glass or diamonds,
In my eyes – sparkle and chime.
 
Gather against the little eyefolds,
Overwhelm them with sheer magnitude.
Then roll down peacefully down the cheeks,
On my breast they stumble and sleep.

Addiction…

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There is no freedom at the bottom of the bottle… Any form of addiction, even in its mildest dose, brings only more shackles…more chains…more bonds…

There is no freedom anywhere unless you understand the impermanence and uncertainty permeating every sphere of your life – people, situations, emotions, everything!
You were born strong… So, why give up now? Why make it your crutch? Just persist for a little while more and you will have reached the core of strength inside you. Touch it, draw from it… Free yourself…

The Fissure Remains…

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And it breaks,

Softly, silently

Not even the littlest tremble.

The fissure remains buried deep,

The smallest nudge could crumble

It into million pieces.

The perpetrator remains oblivious,

Head in clouds,

Light as a feather.

There’s nothing else I would

Want for them but to

Be unaware of the chain

Of reaction caused by their actions.

‘Cause innocence lost

Is lost forever.

Pieces of soul given up,

Can’t be retrieved at any convenient time.

As one might wish

Once the event is past.

Remain pure and unblemished,

One pays the price for fairness

‘Cause innocence lost is knowledge gained,

Through rocky paths and brambles.

Choice once made can’t be revoked,

What’s lost can’t be regained..

What’s gained can’t be ungained..

And in the meantime the fissure remains,

Buried deep – a million cracks.

Softly, silently it crumbles,

With age, with time, it weathers.