At loose ends. Don’t know what I feel about things. Don’t understand my own emotions. They are all so messed up, mixed up. Dunno what it is that I want. Just wanna go to sleep. And then sleep some more so that I don’t have to think.
I’m so miserable right now. It hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it, how to breath through this pain. So, I go to my standard response of snapping at anyone who tries to have a normal conversation with me. It’s easy…the habit, the pattern, the mould. It’s difficult, almost near to impossible to break it. Why do I do this? I hurt people around me when I am in one of my moods. And I know that I am hurting them but I am unable to stop myself. And then I despise myself for it. And the pain increases and I can’t seem to either stop it or get a grip on it. The vicious circle continues.
Anyways, I have been rattling for long. It’s time I end this blog. It’s my curse to bear…
Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.
My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.
No! No pressure, dude! The velvet gloves might just give you some result but the iron fist! That will never work! Never! Not on me! I’ll just slide away…. Far away in my own world where silence reigns! Where I reign all alone… I am the queen of all I see… Slip away right in front of your eyes and you won’t be able to do anything to stop me… The iron fist doesn’t help… It hinders you…. Me? I am happy to have any flimsy excuse to visit my world… I love my world… There are all things of nature in my world except the ones I run away from in the first place – others like me! People! My world is made of sighing meadows, verdant forests, singing springs, chirping birds, rolling hills, snowcapped peaks, mesmerizing vistas and deep valleys, all kinds of flora and fauna…. A dreamy mist over the whole world with the sun shining through shyly…. Who wouldn’t love to live in such a world? My escape, my retreat! Why do you wonder why I would want to skip your world for a moment or more at times and take a breather in mine? It’s blissful, peaceful and so silent that you can actually hear it speak and sing and hum.
No! You are not allowed in! It’s mine, my space! Why would you want in when you think to use your iron fist on me? Don’t you know by now how useless it is against me? Love me, pamper me and let me go… I might just come back to you for more…. Each time, every time let me go…. I might just make you my friend…. Respect my space and I will know how crazy you are about me… The constant noise withers my soul, chips away my calm, handicaps me, debilitates me…. How can you even think to inflict such misery on me? The harder you try to hold on to me, the quicker I slip through your fingers… Don’t do this to yourself…. Don’t make me do it to you… Not the iron fist – no! The gentle hands, the velvet gloves, the soft smiles and silence – loads of it! I will love you for it, be your friend forever – the truest one! Why so much work you wonder? Letting go is so difficult for you. The reason you know – I am worth it… Every time….:)
Why? Why all the jealousy? The backbiting, general bitchiness… How does it help you? Does it make you feel good by putting me down, calling me names? But how can that be if you do it behind my back? If you can’t say it to my face how can that make you feel anything but a coward? If you think me to be petty, shallow and selfish, how does spreading ugly gossips behind my back make you a good person?
Why don’t you rise from the mediocrity of your situation if mine makes you jealous? Why don’t you improve your personality if mine makes you look uncouth? You have to find the answer within yourself… Try to improve your own situation… Jealously is stupid! Incredibly so! Won’t help you any way… Backbiting will provide only temporary relief not a long term solution…
All your actions just prove what a small minded, mealy-mouthed person you are in reality! So you actually prove yourself to be exactly what you are scared of – smaller and more primitive than the person you are jealous of! Rise up from the mental gutter you have made your comfort zone and struggle for your personal advancement. Uplift yourself! Give up habits that hurt yourself first then others!
That’s it! Go ahead! Create a scene… Tears and snot! Recriminations… Play the “blame” ping pong…Just don’t ever do something useful…something that might actually help! Don’t ever stand up and take responsibility for anything… Zero accountability… Zero trust… Or maybe you are in the negative numbers now! Don’t ever use the brains you were born with…logic is a word you haven’t even heard… It does not exist in your world! But then, majority of people are like you… Maybe I am the odd one here too… Collective mindset huh!
All I want is for people to be reasonable, be rational, to make sense at least once in their twice damned lives…. How is it that you don’t do what you say and hold me wrong if I call you out on that… I tried the velvet gloves, the iron hand, the friend and foe approaches… But nothing has ever worked on you… All experiments have ended up in failure! At my tether’s end!
If there be a heavenly presence ever, I pray thee to deliver me from this daily torture!
How can love be good when it hurts so bad? How can relationships be good when they take away your independence? How can emotions be a virtue and a lack of them inhuman when they cloud your reason, dirty your mind and make everything unsure and uncertain! Free will and free mind are the unique characteristics of being human… An emotional state steals away your humanity! A perfectly logical mind is the utopia of the rational man… You say there’s a hell! I say – Hell yes! An overly emotional person is in the hell of her own making!