New Medicines – Part II

It’s official… The new medicines are awesome… They have made me so calm. The storm in my brain has quietened down to a significant level. Enjoying it so much. A calm and quiet mind is such a paradise. So what if I miss talking to my shadow self. This calmness is good… After a long time too… And it gels well with my Vipassana practice too… There’s nothing more I could ask from my life at this particular juncture. I’m blessed.

Hence,

Keep Walking…

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Keep Walking…

keep_walking

When life gets you down

Teases you, pushes you

Makes you fall

Makes you roll in the dirt

Just get up

Pat your dress

And move on

Keep walking.

Always in motion

Forever in movement

Keep walking

On and on.

Never give up

Don’t get down

There’s someone

More miserable

Down the road

There you go

Keep going

The road must lead

On and on

It might be crowded

With stones and thorns

Sweep them away

Be determined

Don’t be harsh

To fellow travellers

Show’em the path

Be good, be kind.

Keep walking!

Limbo…

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Being stuck in a limbo is the worst kind of punishment a being can get… You can’t move in or out, forward or backward or any direction… It’s like being stuck in quicksand…the more you struggle the faster you go down… So do anything, get to any place, but see to it that you don’t get stuck in limbo…

I was stuck for two years and I’m coming out of it… It is a daily struggle what with BPD and all… But what I have realised is that BPD or depression for that matter are just labels… Labels one can defeat if one has enough will power, confidence and focus….most importantly, something to look forward to…to come out of the quagmire of darkness, defeat, desolation, drudgery…

Just that BPD takes me on a roller coaster of highs and lows… And when I get low, the going gets tough like shit… That’s when I need all my power to get out of it… to unglue myself from the superglue of darkness…limbo… I hate limbo… Have always hated it…I like to be in motion… Something always going on with my life…in my life.

The two years that brought my life to an abrupt halt were a study in patience for me. And as some people say – Patience is a virtue. So maybe I have become a little virtuous now… 😉 – along with strong and tough.

Keep Walking…

Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Addiction…

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There is no freedom at the bottom of the bottle… Any form of addiction, even in its mildest dose, brings only more shackles…more chains…more bonds…

There is no freedom anywhere unless you understand the impermanence and uncertainty permeating every sphere of your life – people, situations, emotions, everything!
You were born strong… So, why give up now? Why make it your crutch? Just persist for a little while more and you will have reached the core of strength inside you. Touch it, draw from it… Free yourself…