Just A Lil Bit…

Whenever I have to travel out of station and leave my family behind, it feels like I’m leaving a part of me behind, as if I am dying just a little bit. I’m reluctant to do so. It’s mighty uncomfortable. I don’t know if it is a part of having BPD or just being me but I certainly don’t enjoy it. I love traveling to different places but I just hate the start of it when I am feeling all sentimental.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal about traveling except for when I am with my family. Or maybe I am just overthinking again.

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Today…

Tired feet

Turn to home

Someone’s at the door

Wait in their eyes.

Tired feet

Go home now

It’s time to rest

And rejuvenate a bit.

Tired feet

The day is past

Welcome the night

It’s calm, soothing presence.

Tired feet

The feathers call

Sink in the warmth

In the lover’s arms, fall.

Tired feet

Dream awhile

Tomorrow will be

Today’s an isle.

Darkness…

Hello Darkness, dear friend
Lets fly away together to that special place
Where there’s just you and me
And no one and nothing to chase.

To take a pause from this life
From all the light oh-so-bright
My eyes water or are they tears
How to know now it is night.

That place in dreams that I go to
Whenever you are with me
Wildly attractive, darkly beautiful
Forever mine and yours to be.

That place that we call home
Darkness, old friend, let’s go together
As without you to lighten my path
She disappears from existence into the ether.

Darkness, my friend, do not ever leave me
In the flotsam and jetsam called this life
All my constants are so no more
You are the only that’s no strife.

Life’s Whiplashes…

whiplash
Day after day passes by
Bunched under the same grey sky.
Will the colour ever change?
Will I ever get the rainbow range?

Do I even wish for one?
When all is weighed, said and done.
Or am I destined for monochrome
Dogeared pages of a single tome.

Dreary dull, greying greyed
Opposite to the life I’d made.
The existence is bare now
To live some way, to live some how.

All the living I have to shun
To mingle, to play, to have some fun.
This is to be my penance for my deeds
A desolate carcass for the crows to feed.

Alas! Even the crows have deserted me!
They’ve fixed their sights on greener seas!
Now only am I truly abandoned
Life has departed, I’m shunned.

Again and again I wonder why
Is my destiny to try to cry.
No tears gather upon my lashes
‘Pon my skin, life’s whiplashes.

On My Way…

On my way
Of this life
I feel wonder
I feel strife

I daily question
The nature of it
Then laugh again
In the next bit.

What is it
That makes up this life?
Is it the small joys
Or the pain that’s rife?

The souls I meet
In this journey
Are they mates?
Or competitiors in some tourney?

What is life?
I daily wonder
The smile of innocent
Or the wicked’s plunder?

To comprehend I try
I struggle and struggle
But in the end
Is it worth the trouble?

Life is made of
Such paradoxes
Births and Deaths
Concaves and Convexes

I daily question
The nature of it
Then laugh again
In the next bit.

And then I think
What would I do?
If I knew it all
Pain and pleasure too.

It’s better to leave
Some mystery to life
Brighter is the world then
Lessens the pain and strife.

I no more question
The nature of it
Just laugh again
Now and in the next bit.

Being Selfish…

Being selfish is absolutely fine sometimes when you can see no other way out of a situation…when being selfish is the only path available to you, you take that path…you walk it….you protect yourself….what do you do when you see others protecting themselves in a flood…during an avalanche…so all you need to do is ignore your instincts and become selfish…you PROTECT YOURSELF…And it’s absolutely fine with the society too… who ever thought of that… A hypocritical society we live in…. A society that extols selflessness as a virtue in times of leisure and lauds selfishness in dire times. So, go ahead, be selfish! Who thought there would be such commendation in something so wicked…

I had this experience in recent times… Turned to a friend when I was in dire need and my friend turned on me instead and told me to be independent and to stop being so whiny and dependent on others (others being my family and closest friends – count being 2)…basically called me a dead weight…. so here I am being selfish the way I know how to be. I have decided not to be a dead weight to anyone who is unwilling to be a participant in carrying my load of BPD with me. Why bog down reluctant people with my issues, my needs? Relationships are meant to be symbiotic not parasitic…even more so with me coz I have special needs… Of all relationships, friendship is the only one which enjoys unparalleled equal footing. When that is lost, the friendship is doomed…mine was too… So, I became selfish…already have so much load on me…then why carry one more load of a doomed relationship?

But Always,

Keep Walking…