Happiness…

Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…

Best of luck in your quest to find her…

Keep walking…

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BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

The Struggle…

M so tired

Of it all today

Don’t wanna be strong

But there’s no other escape

No alternative I see

No option comes to me

No multiple choice question

Fear it’s a subjective one

And still I m tired

Just want to give up

A lull I need

A break from all this

The drama of daily

The choice to be pally

With any I meet

Just laughingly greet

I wanna be quiet

With myself and me

No one, none

To break the solitude

But I also know

What I want is

Just a dream

The reality is different

The reality gives me grief.

So I sew a smile on my lip

See that nothing makes it dip

Strengthen my back

And set myself to walk

The thorny path

Does make me baulk

Then I’m reminded of

When the going gets tough

The tough get going

And I set out again

Go on and on

The end in sight

The pathway long.

Singularity…

I stay away from you

I do not mingle

The way I used to

There’s something in me

That craves the new

The old is gone

No time to blue.

There’s nothing left

That we can salvage

Just lonely carcass

To rend and burn

A festering mass

Away I turn

From this wreckage

Naively we called

A relationship was it?

Or a frothing mess of emotions

Too strong, too overwhelming

In the eye of the storm

Some peace to be found.

Turn I do now

Take some simple steps

In the direction

Opposite to you

Never thought it would be

So easy to give up

Silence reigns my soul

Not a single sigh does it make.

The time we spent together

As if doesn’t exist.

Whatever this was

It no more is.

Just the aloneness

The singularity that’s me.

Teacher’s Day…

Today is Teacher’s Day… I would like to take this opportunity to thank the greatest teacher that I have had the great fortune to know very intimately… Someone who’s taught me all that I know today… Someone without whom I wouldn’t be what I am today… You guessed right (if you did!)…. Life!

Life is the greatest teacher of all… It teaches you just what you have to know, just what you are worthy of… Nothing more, nothing less…. Precisely what you are worth…

My life has taught me so much…. There are still so many lessons yet to be learned (how do I know… Coz I keep repeating the same behaviour pattern again and again without gaining any learning from it)…. I’m waiting with bated breath… The path won’t be easy…. But then, nothing in life worth having is…

Keep walking….

Ciao….

Blank Page…

At the blank page

I stare

The words I know not

To fill it with

The beauty or ugliness

Dare me, glare at me.

The days I have lived

The nights I have spent

Yearn for a reckoning

A written down account.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

Judged will I be

By this world’s standards

Messed up a little

Or more than ever

No morning

No night

Caught in the twilight.

Words – they come to me

Beautiful, ugly

I try to make them my own

They slip from my grasp.

Strives my light

To hold them

Without my night

But they want to slide

So my darkness thickens

The words then cower

Want to escape

In the absence of light

They are caught

In my shadow-net.

The light then comes on

Washes them clean

Not a spot of darkness

Clings to them.

Battered, bruised

Though they be

They are all

That’s left to me.

Oh precious

So precious

They were to me

Everyone left

But they couldn’t too

Such solitude

I couldn’t take.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

I imprisoned that

I loved wholeheartedly.

Wonder I do now

The concept of love

Is like, obsession, possession

Freedom – what is it?

What value is love

If it comes with fetters

No chains for me

Give me the wings.

Oh words, my precious

I set you free.

The twilight is my prison

But you I can set free.

You are my release

My flight of freedom.

When the twilight gets darker

The night its marker

Sing me a lullaby

Soothe me to sleep.

And on this blank page

A new beginning

We may make

Together, you and me

A smile yet we may fake.

In Burning…

Burning up I am

My skin sizzling

Drop of cold water

Dancing, misting

‘pon my skin

The haze of heat

Beating me down

Inside out

Geyser of

Sulphur springs

No succour

No pardon

A pyre of words

Daily burn

Immortal fire

Drapes around

Deadly embrace

Nothing but ashes

Rise up from it

Like a phoenix

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

New life

New chances

New dreams

New me.

Burn and burn

Mix and churn

Life gone

Chances squandered

Dead dreams

In ashes, me.

Phoenix no more

No sun to see

A regular human

Bonded, unfree.