Feeling Lousy…

At loose ends. Don’t know what I feel about things. Don’t understand my own emotions. They are all so messed up, mixed up. Dunno what it is that I want. Just wanna go to sleep. And then sleep some more so that I don’t have to think.

I’m so miserable right now. It hurts so much I don’t know how to deal with it, how to breath through this pain. So, I go to my standard response of snapping at anyone who tries to have a normal conversation with me. It’s easy…the habit, the pattern, the mould. It’s difficult, almost near to impossible to break it. Why do I do this? I hurt people around me when I am in one of my moods. And I know that I am hurting them but I am unable to stop myself. And then I despise myself for it. And the pain increases and I can’t seem to either stop it or get a grip on it. The vicious circle continues.

Anyways, I have been rattling for long. It’s time I end this blog. It’s my curse to bear…

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New Medicines – Part II

It’s official… The new medicines are awesome… They have made me so calm. The storm in my brain has quietened down to a significant level. Enjoying it so much. A calm and quiet mind is such a paradise. So what if I miss talking to my shadow self. This calmness is good… After a long time too… And it gels well with my Vipassana practice too… There’s nothing more I could ask from my life at this particular juncture. I’m blessed.

Hence,

Keep Walking…

Comfortably Numb…

Numb

Sometimes, my meds make me numb to the world around me or rather numb my senses so that I perceive the world through a glass or from enough distance that it fails to leave any lasting impact on me… I sometimes love those times. For example, when I have processed too much emotion or been through a wringer, I crave such an escape, such oblivion… my mind is all calm and no one, nothing can disturb it…

At other times, I scare myself out of my mind thinking what’s happening to me…thinking if it’s the same person who used to enjoy such a hectic lifestyle that sleeping at night used to seem like a waste of time.

Anyways, I take each day, each moment as it comes… There’s nothing else to be done. And always…whatever situation I find myself in, I am in control, in the driver seat…except for when I lose control, when I’m just going through the motions…

Keep Walking…

There I Go…

lifeanddeath
There I go today
Weaving my dreams
Into tapestries
Of unspoken promises and love.

Here I tarry a bit
By the silver streams
Or a narrow fjord
Somewhere between the green hills.

I soak in the sun
Fly away with the summer breeze
Melt in the ocean deep
Race with the wild winds.

There we go today
From sunrise towards the night
There we go today
From darkness towards the light

Life keeps alternating
Between dawn and moonbright
But in the twilight
It’s just eyes shut tight.

There we go everyday
Follow step by step
Our own shadows do we
Chase round and round.

I’ve got nothing to give
I depart with empty hands
But for smiles or tears
I leave with nothing else.

Limbo…

walking

Being stuck in a limbo is the worst kind of punishment a being can get… You can’t move in or out, forward or backward or any direction… It’s like being stuck in quicksand…the more you struggle the faster you go down… So do anything, get to any place, but see to it that you don’t get stuck in limbo…

I was stuck for two years and I’m coming out of it… It is a daily struggle what with BPD and all… But what I have realised is that BPD or depression for that matter are just labels… Labels one can defeat if one has enough will power, confidence and focus….most importantly, something to look forward to…to come out of the quagmire of darkness, defeat, desolation, drudgery…

Just that BPD takes me on a roller coaster of highs and lows… And when I get low, the going gets tough like shit… That’s when I need all my power to get out of it… to unglue myself from the superglue of darkness…limbo… I hate limbo… Have always hated it…I like to be in motion… Something always going on with my life…in my life.

The two years that brought my life to an abrupt halt were a study in patience for me. And as some people say – Patience is a virtue. So maybe I have become a little virtuous now… 😉 – along with strong and tough.

Keep Walking…

Memories Befoul…

Death

I have lost something today
Lost something important
A piece of my heart
A fragment of my soul
All memories befoul.

In the dead waters
In the dark cesspool
Of blood and bones
Of glory and gore
Have I lost
A piece of my heart
A fragment of my soul.

In the back alleyways
In the stagnating gutters
Among the rotting garbage
Of the yester and yore
Have I lost
A piece of my heart
A fragment of my soul
All memories befoul.

Now the death bell tolls
The death bed is made
All I need to do
Is lie down to sleep
A soft sigh escapes.

A silent step I hear
It gently comes near
Spreads its hand
Lovingly embraces me
My soul it keeps.

Darkness Rising…

images

Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.