A Knot In Space-time…

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A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme
A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind.
They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder
I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour.
My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis.
The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis.
Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be?
Me having no control over my moods and reactions –
Is something I believe in not.
Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure.
Am I destined to always be of two minds
Or will I ever make up with one of them?
Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter
So long I have a pill or two to take.
Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter
What does it really matter?
Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns
Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne.
I go now to pop some pills
Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.

What’s in a word?

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Aloneness…

Beauty.. Peace… Love… Happiness…

A time to think, rethink…meditate, contemplate….

A time to review, rehash, revise, revive…

To make amends…

Independence… Bliss…

 

Loneliness…

Misery… Pain… Anguish… Darkness…

A time to think, rethink, burn, blame…

A time to review, rehash, despair, cry…

An ode to torment…

Dependence… Despondency…

 

 

 

Free Wings….

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I am free today.
Don’t depend on you.
Your pitiful morsels
Of time and attention.
You are free today
To live the way
You have always wanted.
The lodestone around your neck
Is gone today.
I cared and cried.
Begged you to
Spend a while
Thinking and caring for me.
But it was too much for you.
Your self-centered life.
You were the brightest star
Of your own universe.
Took me for granted
But not for long
Can’t take anymore
I give it up!
So now you go
Get on with your life
Won’t be a lackey
For one so flaky!
I am free today
From your dues!
The loan’s paid in full
Still I am rich.
You are poor
You lost something valuable
You didn’t give a dime.
But never fear
You’ll never know
As you are unaware.
Self-absorbed as you are.

Transcendence…

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Afraid!
So afraid!
What are we so afraid about?

Scared!
So scared!
What are we so scared about?

Dare!
Dare not?
Why not dare to live our way?

Conform!
Conform ever?
Why conform to beliefs we don’t subscribe to?

Frog
And the well.
The story repeated ever and ever!

Jack
In the box.
Why not jump out of it for a sec?

Swim?
Swim against!
Upstream is the way to evolution.

Stand?
Stand alone!
Make your point loud and clear.

Fight!
Against the tide!
Lest we be washed up the shore like weed.

Struggle?
Struggle always!
Don’t become complacent and die!

Time!
Time flies.
Win this race against all costs.

End?
Beautiful end!
Keep the means true and pure.

Transcendence?
Radiant transcendence!
From ordinary life to a higher power.

Friends…

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Stalwart Friends
One and all
Stand by me
You don’t let me fall.
 
Through thick and thin
My lifeline you are
Deeper than the skin
It’s a timeless bond.
 
Good times and bad
Your constant presence
Whenever I’m sad
You make me laugh.
 
You let me be
And my idiosyncrasies
Doesn’t ever matter
If you agree or tease.
 
Dear Friend,
The very best thing is
The way you get me
You are some kind of whiz.
 
I know in recent times
I have tried your limits
‘Tis my chemical imbalance
My brain’s on a fritz.
 
Have crazy days
And crazy nights
Extreme mood swings
Tears and fights.
 
I drown at times
Among the flotsam and jetsam
The deeds of my life
Like the bursting of a dam.
 
There are soft times too
For a moment or two
When my vision’s clear
I kneel in a pew.
 
A black hole simile
Getting sucked in it
Need a greater gravity force
To bring me out of it.
 
Just bear with me
Walk with me awhile
I hope to be back
With laughter and smile.
 
Just be with me
At the center or periphery
‘Tis my apology
Take a moment to tarry.

Hope? Check. Happiness? Double Check!

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Introvert – Check. Depression – Check. Suicidal feelings – Check.

One thing I learned about myself from that dark dark period of my life is that I am a survivor and that life is too precious to just give up especially when you are not in any sort of rational mind to take such an important decision.

A bit of a background:

I was depressed for around 3.5 years from 2008 – 2011 and some part of 2012 as well. Being an introvert, I never shared the depth of my malady and the seriousness of it with anyone though in hindsight I can clearly see that I didn’t know that I was in depression. All I knew was that something was very, very wrong with me, that I was always tired – mentally, physically and emotionally, couldn’t connect with anyone around me but since I couldn’t always connect with people before I never gave it much thought. But I was really tired of living, having to wake up every morning with no thought/no ambition, nothing to motivate me, to just get through the day somehow and once when the day was dead, there was still the night to pass. Insomnia became a norm. No rest in the night and hence, no energy in the morning. I was going through the motions of life but reality didn’t seem real anymore. I was in a haze, trapped in my mind by my own mind. No prison can be worse than one’s own mind! It knows your darkest thoughts, secrets, your worst memories and will throw them at you when you least expect it to and depression is not the best time for this. I, too, had a balcony from where I could see the world passing by. Normal people living their normal lives. And there I was! Trapped in the darkness, cut off from the world with no escape! I so wanted to fly away from that balcony, leave all the pain and darkness behind. Just fly away, light as a bird towards freedom, happiness, the heaven! Ah! Sweet escape!

But some threads held me back or I won’t be here writing this article now. Obviously, some of the threads were the people in my life who have only loved and supported me completely throughout my life. I couldn’t make such an important decision without thinking about them. One of the threads was my eminently practical nature which promptly asked me – What if you don’t die? What if you just lose a couple of your limbs or your spine and become a burden to your parents through no fault of theirs? I couldn’t punish them so. Of course, I knew a few more ways to commit suicide successfully but these questions held me back because they showed me that all hope was not lost. What I was thinking of as one continuous dark night actually held a ray of hope. I hadn’t given up hoping even in the darkest period of my life. The questions showed me that. And that was it! That stopped me! Because I am truly human! So long as there is hope I will persevere! So long as there is hope things are not as bad as they seem. That evening I cursed myself that I couldn’t even be strong enough to commit suicide without being analytical about it. But that was the very moment when I started believing somewhere in my mind that one day I will be happy again, that I will come out of this constant soul-sucking misery. Not that I became alright overnight! No. That doesn’t happen in real life. Took a really long time. But I had hope and that was enough for the time being.

Today, I look back and I am darned proud of myself that I didn’t give up. What would I have to show for myself if I had given up? Nothing but a broken body and worse, a broken spirit! Today I know that I a very strong person because I have been through the fire and lived to tell the tale. Today I know that what I thought as cowardice on my part was nothing but sheer courage and determination to fight my condition. It would have been ridiculously easy to give up! But something in me did not – the part that made me truly human! Human beings are known for their tenacity, perseverance and hope. After having evolved for around 2 million years, it would be poor performance on my part to give up just when faced with a little pain and misery! I couldn’t do that.

What gave me hope then was my faith in my personal God – the one I believed in who gave me nothing but love, understanding and acceptance always. Then who was I to doubt that I was not worthy of being alive? The other thing that helped me was the meditation. I was very fond of meditation when I was growing up. As an introvert, I loved spending time meditating and had the art of introspection down to a pat. Since I was used to meditating for a long time, I got to attend a 10-day Vipassana course at an early age. By the time all this happened, I had already attended Vipassana thrice and though I wasn’t a regular practitioner then, I think that Vipassana helped me to not lose hope and ultimately helped me in coming out of it. Now, I know that it did indeed play a huge role in helping me then. Of course, I did not come to know about all these things until I came out of the depression. Also, it helped that I hadn’t labeled my situation. Sometimes, labels really suck! I think I would have been even more depressed if I had known the name of my malady – it would have scared me more and wouldn’t have helped a bit in return!

Remember at all times: Having depression doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that it is a test and you will emerge a stronger, better, more evolved and mature person once you have come out of it. Don’t let anyone put you down or make you feel like shit or call you a weirdo. One has to walk in someone’s shoes to know their problems.

So, to sum-up:

  1. Give yourself a break. So, something truly horrible happened. It’s okay to be miserable, to be depressed. Maybe the “normies” can’t understand that. That’s fine. It’s okay to break into thousand pieces sometimes. It’s okay not to be strong, happy, rational and normal all the time. It’s normal. Don’t make a big deal out of it. How will that help you?
  2. Never give up hope. Cliched but true. Hope when you have nothing left to hope. Just hope blindly. Have faith in your hope that one day in future, no matter how long it takes, you will be happy again. Till then, continue the fake laughter – fake is better than the silence. Change your perspective or if you can’t at least adopt this one for the time being – Hope is never far away. It’s always there right along with the pain, suffering and misery. We just can’t see it then.
  3. Try meditation or prayer. It helps by creating positive energy within us. I have found Vipassana pretty awesome and effective (http://vipassana.org/). They run a ten day residential course free of cost across different locations in India and other countries.
  4. Look to your family for strength. No matter what happens, they will always love and support you whether you ask for it or not.
  5. Be strong and believe in yourself. The dawn is sweetest when the night is blackest!

Be happy!