Drawing a blank each time I think of writing something…. If I lose this then there are only a few things left with me which are worth living for…. The bad dark is coming closer and closer today….is clinging too close to the surface….I wish to shoo it away but I am just too tired…wish someone could do it for me…take away the bad darkness and leave me in peace with the good, soothing darkness so that I could just draw it deep inside me, hide in it and relax and rejuvenate a little bit…sink deep in it….take a little break from the world around me…I need some “me” time…not going to get it any time soon…waiting for next week to come as soon as possible…going for a Vipassana retreat….it will be 10 days of total fun for me…lots of peace, silence and “me” time…. Patience, dear heart, patience…next week is not that far…
Gearing up for second session with my doctor… She had given me a task to write all my thoughts, as in questions, that pop up in my brain down in a notebook. I have written three pages worthy questions and thoughts down. Dunno what she’s gonna do with them.
Am I gonna get some answers to the never ending questions I used to and still have? Will she give me a navigating device to travel through this maze called world a little easier? Will she provide certain solutions to my problems? I fervently hope so. Or will she make me walk the path and provide me enough hints and nudges to guide me along it? I certainly hope not as I am bound to get lost in the maze with or without the navigating device or even a guardian angel.
All these emotions bubbling inside me – I am still afloat though. Not yet drowning so that’s good.Fingers crossed and growing apprehensive by every moment…. Wonder what nugget of wisdom will tomorrow bring or will it even bring anything for me, to me?
It’s official… The new medicines are awesome… They have made me so calm. The storm in my brain has quietened down to a significant level. Enjoying it so much. A calm and quiet mind is such a paradise. So what if I miss talking to my shadow self. This calmness is good… After a long time too… And it gels well with my Vipassana practice too… There’s nothing more I could ask from my life at this particular juncture. I’m blessed.