Dear Friend

Today I received a very pleasant surprise from my past. It was a letter from my ex-roommate. I hate writing sappy things but it was a letter full of love, happiness and support (that’s the way I am taking it, Friend). This one’s for her and all my other friends:

Dear Friend(each of you just read your own names here…:-D),

Whenever I revisited the space-time where we shared the same space, where we were roommates, I always had this question as to the nature of our relationship: Were we friends, enemies, colleagues or co-sufferers in that small town? Today, I have my answer. Slowly did the memories fade away, faces relegated to the past. Your letter was a complete shocker to me and hence, even more special. The way you said it – it’s been ten years. A long ten years during which both of us have been through different kinds of experiences, maybe grown a little smarter, a little more matured than we used to be(that’s the hope , anyways…:-)). I would love to take this moment and space here to thank all the people who have been there for me in my toughest hours and those too who could not be in touch but allocated some really valuable real estate for me in their thoughts.

Yes, my Friend, thank you… You see how much I have changed. Thanking “people” on an open platform where anyone and everyone can read it.

To all my well-wishers:

I am finally at a place where I can very happily say that the depression and BPD are the best things that ever happened to me. This is no empty platitude. To quote Nietzsche – That which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Okay, I’ll say – depression’s one mean bitch! But BPD has been very good to me. It has made it possiblefor me to experience each moment of my life as if it were a movie. The dreamer in me couldn’t ask for more. I have always been a little out of sync with the world around me and I still love to escape the drudgery sometimes. BPD made it possible – it taught me how to tune out the world and  focus solely on my thoughts. I have so many emotions that I can hardly recognize or understand even a quarter of them. Works like a charm every time to make my mind stronger and flexible.

I have always been stubborn and a self believer. Failing at curing depression and BPD was never an option. Whenever you find yourself on the lowest rung of this ladder called life, all you can do is start climbing up – or you could stay in situ too but that gets very boring very fast. So, you climb up.

I have always wanted to die the best version of the person I was born, the person I could be. My struggle has proved invaluable in that respect. Change is the one constant in life – the one thing that remains unaltered is change. I, too, have been changing, transforming even transcending(just love the word!) every moment.

Keep Walking…

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THE STORY…

I made a solemn promise to myself yesterday that I would get back to blogging from today onwards. So, here goes nothing…

Umm… I am supposed to write a whole page about something but I don’t know what. Should I write about the enforced sabbatical I had to take from the professional world due to some psychiatric problems or should I focus on the path I have been walking on since these problems cropped up? Can’t make up my mind, drawing a blank every time. Lemme see. I will start with the problems that I have been facing for almost twenty months now…

Once upon a time in a galaxy far too near, on planet Earth lived this organic form, called a human being in the native language, who was suffering from depression. Let us see what steps it took to cure itself.

  1. It consulted a psychiatrist who promptly hospitalised it and prescribed meds to begin the process of transforming it from a human being to zombie.
  2. Finally, after a substantial amount of time had passed, it started rebelling coz it didn’t want to be a zombie anymore. As a first step towards that goal, it switched the mental health providers, i.e. doctors. The new doctor changed all the medicines and prescribed a psychological test too (conveniently the test was in MCQ format) to find the main culprit for the depression. The test revealed the root cause – BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.
  3. The human being tried to understand the nature of the culprit but wasn’t really able to grasp the concept in its entirety. Thus, began the long process of struggle with it. Several epic wars were fought over the course of twenty months to defeat the culprit. Finally, the day arrived when the enemy was defeated. The human being won. How? Coz the enemy’s nature was laid bare. The moment the enemy’s nature was revealed, the path to defeating it lay wide open.

Of course, the path is long, tedious and full of hurdles but I have already taken so many steps down the road. There is no turning back. Every person in this world struggles to achieve one thing or another. My struggle is for just my peace, my well-being and of those around me. I keep taking one step at a time. Step by step the journey will be completed. In the meanwhile, I just have to make that extra effort…find the strength to stand up after each time I fall down. Hurdles only mean more power, more strength which is all good news for me.

Keep Walking…

In the Night-time…

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Sorry!
Such an easy word.
Then why can’t I say it to myself?
Why can’t I forgive?
 
All the misdeeds of years bygone;
Come crowding in my mind.
I flounder betimes; drown betimes;
In the flotsam and jetsam of the time.
 
I choose the logical way,
None of the emotional crap for me.
And still I can’t see no escape
Or the smallest hole to creep.
 
Sleep, sleep little bird,
Tarry a bit by my  bedside.
You’ll find new vistas in your dreams,
Happiness to come, stories to weave,
Hurry, hurry little bird,
So much left to do by night time.
 
In the darkest of the hours,
Slumber sweetly in my arms
No shadow shall befall you.
No troubled heart, just ease at last.
Green and light and sweet countryside
To touch your dreams and ease your soul.

An Elegant System…

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As you sow, so shall you reap…. What an elegant system!

Who needs the fear of hell or the lure of heaven at the end of life to improve oneself, to perform good deeds, to be kind and generous and helpful to family, friends, foes, strangers, all… Heaven and hell are in your own mind…

It’s simple…

As you sow, so shall you reap…

Take control of your own life, your own actions… No deity can help you if you refuse to help yourself…

A Promise…

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I have made a promise
To myself
To keep on walking
Until the end
To persevere
Against all the odds.
‘Coz when it gets tougher
The rough gets rougher.
The bets are higher.
The winnings greater
Just need to stick a bit long.
Smile, sweat and song.
It is a lone struggle
Against the very nature
The lessons of yore
Stacks of customs and mores.
A steep incline
I climb and climb.
Sores on my feet
Fire in my soul.
Now that I see the path.
I can’t do nothing but walk.
To be willfully blind
Is the height of folly.

The Path…

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The dark path or the path towards light… It’s a choice… The path towards light is good, is right…. But the dark path – oh so tempting!

I resist the temptation…. Moment by moment…. A moment resisted is a moment conquered….

Keep resisting… Keep walking…

At The End Of The Road…

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Tired old husk,
A solemn soft dusk,
The closing of a chapter
At the end of a laughter.

The ceasing of the tide,
The last joy ride.
A life lived enough
X times easy, x times tough.

Some actions good and bad,
Of moments dark and sad.
One last fallacy
A yearning for normalcy.

A lingering trace of presence,
An affirmation of existence,
The comfort of a loving hug,
On the heartstrings, an insistent tug.

A leaf pressed between the pages,
A memory mellowed with ages,
A smile, a step, a hushed silence,
A last glance lit up with radiance.