Lemonade…

Life is what you make of it… Or so you are told continuously… If life gives you lemons, make lemonade… Just that no one tells you where to get the sugar or salt from… You need to figure that part out for yourself… And the sooner you figure that out, the happier will you be… Coz then you would have discovered the key to your happiness… And yes… It lies within you… No externalization of happiness… It always comes from within… That does suck sometimes but that’s how it works… That’s how it is…

Keep walking…

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Take Control…

We spend our lives reacting to the happenings and situations around us. We rarely take control of the situations. Happenings, situations take control of us and then take us on a roller coaster ride. Better it is to take control of situations. Better it is to act rather than react. I have decided to act from now on even if it kills me and situations never killed nobody ever. They may be mighty uncomfortable and not to my liking but if I act upon them then at least I’ll have the comfort of knowing that I did what was best for me, not for anyone else.

The time to act is now…. Take control…

Transition…

In transition,

Disturbing, uneasy,

Fire under the skin

In the mind, a din.

Clutter everywhere,

Mess reigns fair,

Nothing can be found

In this dumping ground.

In limbo

Was stuck,

For how long

Dunno much,

The story’s unfinished as such.

Half life

Yearns completion

No resources

All depletion.

Gotta borrow some.

In twilight

No movement

All alone

Alas! The bereavement!

The only living known.

In transition

Entire existence

Daily struggle

Daily subsistence.

The state of mortality.

BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

Blank Page…

At the blank page

I stare

The words I know not

To fill it with

The beauty or ugliness

Dare me, glare at me.

The days I have lived

The nights I have spent

Yearn for a reckoning

A written down account.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

Judged will I be

By this world’s standards

Messed up a little

Or more than ever

No morning

No night

Caught in the twilight.

Words – they come to me

Beautiful, ugly

I try to make them my own

They slip from my grasp.

Strives my light

To hold them

Without my night

But they want to slide

So my darkness thickens

The words then cower

Want to escape

In the absence of light

They are caught

In my shadow-net.

The light then comes on

Washes them clean

Not a spot of darkness

Clings to them.

Battered, bruised

Though they be

They are all

That’s left to me.

Oh precious

So precious

They were to me

Everyone left

But they couldn’t too

Such solitude

I couldn’t take.

A shame I feel

Deep in my being

I imprisoned that

I loved wholeheartedly.

Wonder I do now

The concept of love

Is like, obsession, possession

Freedom – what is it?

What value is love

If it comes with fetters

No chains for me

Give me the wings.

Oh words, my precious

I set you free.

The twilight is my prison

But you I can set free.

You are my release

My flight of freedom.

When the twilight gets darker

The night its marker

Sing me a lullaby

Soothe me to sleep.

And on this blank page

A new beginning

We may make

Together, you and me

A smile yet we may fake.

The Happiness Funda…

You are responsible for only your happiness… You can make only yourself happy… The onus of your own happiness lies in your hands… It is impossible to make anyone else happy. So, don’t even try. Try that in which you can succeed… Making yourself truly happy. You will see that the happier you become, the happier will people around you will get…. Automatically…. All on their own… Because you distribute only that which you have…. If you are miserable, you distribute misery among others…. If you are angry, you make the people around you angry…. Thus, if you are happy, you will pass on that happiness to others… So, the only effort you can really make to see your near and dear ones happy is by being happy and at peace with yourself. One cannot occur without the other. They are a twin occurrence. Only a mind at peace can be truly happy. Be happy….

Keep Walking…

My Journey Till Now – II

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It’s not easy to open up and talk about the darkest phase of one’s life. But one has to make an effort in the hope that it might help even one person to take the right step in their life or maybe even move away from the edge if they are standing on one. Things are never, never as dark as they may seem…it’s just our perception that make them seem so… All you’ve got to do is have some faith in yourself, in time… Not for nothing is it said that Time is the Greatest Healer…. It actually is…With time on your side, anything is possible…. Things can change for you, become better or you can and will change, grow up and get some different perspective about your problems.

As I said, it’s difficult to talk about the darkest phase of your life…There’s residual pain, residual worry and always the fear with being a BPD person that I might be forced to visit the darklands again before I’m ready to do so… Many have said time and again that most of my blogs go in the dark vein than in the light vein….How can I answer that question? I have experienced and explored so much darkness inside and outside me that I am more comfortable being in the dark than in the light. Darkness soothes me, calls to me with its siren songs… It’s only recently that I have stopped listening to it (most of the times any way)…it will take time to change….change the fabric of my very nature….but rest assured I will….not all of me is dark. Some part is light, is happy, is fun….that attracts my dark side…I guess opposites attract… My light is also attracted towards my darkness…But I encourage my darkness to move towards the light…that’s the aim…and never you forget that… Always remember to smile, to laugh, to be happy even for the shortest possible time…. Make that your goal and you’ll find that the duration of your smile, your laughter, your happiness is increasing…not because some magic happened all of a sudden but because you just trained your unruly mind to search for happiness in each and every situation, any sort that might be….

Again and again I keep emphasizing on happiness because I staunchly believe that if you don’t have happiness in life then you have absolutely nothing in life….you are the poorest of all the beggars in this world…. (Trigger) Depression is just a jargon…It is nothing but deep seated unresolved ego issues. How? I become unhappy when things don’t go my way with the emphasis being on “my”. Depression means that the intensity of that unhappiness is increased so many times that it becomes difficult to handle for a person. Hence, one finds life intolerable, unliveable, dead because it becomes their firm belief that nothing’s gonna go their way so it would be better to stop making an effort altogether to do anything. One loses their will to live because of that. But what I would like to ask here is that are we really so self-centered that only because something didn’t go our way that we become depressed and stop living from that moment onwards? And as if this weren’t enough we think of an another act of extreme selfishness, i.e., suicide. In our hurry to leave behind a meaningless life, do we ever think of the people we would leave heartbroken if we committed that extreme act of selfishness? No, we don’t. I know because I have been on that edge and I, somehow, found the strength to step back from it…I was lucky I guess!

So, people, if you have to be selfish, then be selfish in loving yourself, be selfish in loving the people around you, be selfish in being happy, be selfish in letting things go! Set your goals right or rather set right goals!

Be Selfish!

Be Happy!

Keep Walking….