Choices…

Jealousy!

Thy insidious snake.

Writhing inside me, turning everything green, murky… Clouding my mind… Digressing me from the correct path, the correct options…

Why oh why are we so susceptible to jealousy? The way I have experienced life, we have more predilections towards certain emotions than others – jealousy being one of them. The moment the green-eyed monster rises in the mind, one forgets everything and just blindly reacts… Why? Is it hardwired in our makeup as human beings? And if it is, then is it more genetic or spiritual? Or are both one and the same? Do we carry both genetic and spiritual footprints from one birth to the next as we die so that we are only as evolved as we make ourselves in the previous birth and have to suffer or celebrate our backwardness or advancement in the next birth?

Is it all instinctual? So many ugly monsters inside us and so many angels… Heaven and hell both inside us… Yes! That maybe it… The monsters become stronger sometimes and lead me on the wrong path but when the clouds ease up, the angels step through to guard me through whatever path I might have chosen. And you know what? The end isn’t half bad as it might have been… My angels do do their job…

That’s life I guess… One unpredictable path of choices with monsters tempting one off the path and angels guarding one back on the path through any hurdles and roadblocks… I just hope that the end is worth all the trouble…

Jealousy! Anger! Greed! Lust! Thy name is Life!

Keep Walking…

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Pondering…

Life…. It takes you in such myriad directions…. You never know where you gonna find yourself… Just that somehow you have reached someplace you never thought to find yourself in in the first place…

Complicated yet exhilarating it is… Full of ups and downs, highs and lows, times good and bad… Each leaves a mark on you and slowly, silently passes away…

All you can do is experience them as they pass you by, learn from them and move on with your life… Nothing more and nothing less…. There’s nothing else in your control… How do you try to control the strong undercurrents of swift flowing water? You can’t… So is life… All you can try to do is coexist with her symbiotically as she passes you by… That’s the best you can do… If not, then live parasitically on your life. Let things happen to you instead of making things happen in your life…

Keep walking….:D

Question…

Is it true that after a certain age you need someone? Or is it possible to have your cake and eat it too? I find myself pondering this question with increasing frequency nowadays yet I’m nowhere near enough to an answer, a revelation of sorts…

There’s also the fear of rejection from one as I have BPD… I wonder if the fear is justified…

Till then…

Keep Walking…

Blessings…

Whenever the day feels extra heavy, remember to count the blessings you have in the form of people you have who love you unconditionally… Believe me, there are always those who love you just the way you are and that makes all the difference… Why struggle to earn the love and appreciation of those who would want to change even a hair on your body before offering the tiniest morsel of their regard to you… If someone wants you to change to love you then they are not worthy of having you in their lives…

Learn to love yourself…

Learn to value yourself…

Cursed…

I’m cursed to live a strange life… One full of ups and downs, highs and lows…I don’t know what to do about it so I keep living it in the hope that something better will come along…will happen…

I so wish for the cessation of this pain soon enough… Goodness knows where it comes from…

Till then I,

Keep Walking…

What Is Selfishness?

How selfish can one be? Apparently as much as one wants to be and no one can say otherwise… I had that quality in spades and used to admire it in others but recently I was proven kind of wrong…. There’s selfishness and then there’s selfishness…. Or maybe I’m just splitting hairs… What do I know?

I thought I knew aplenty but this makes me doubt a lot about myself and the world both… Do I even know what selfishness is? Are there different brands of selfishness, different levels, different intensities? How would one even go about trying to identify and classify different kinds of selfishness? Makes my head hurt just by thinking about it just as the person made my heart hurt….

One thing I do know…

Keep Walking…

Wondering…

I wonder sometimes about if I really feel emotions or if I just fake them…. How does one validate the authenticity of what one’s feeling? Or can one even validate emotions?

Does the breaking of your heart, the pain in your soul inform you about the emotional upheaval you are going through or does it just mislead you towards a man-made quagmire of lies, deceit, unruly thoughts, unfinished dreams, etc?

Maybe I’m not supposed to know… Maybe it’s my destiny to roam these vales without any answer to soothe my mind and heart and soul. I don’t know… Still.,.

I keep walking…