How selfish can one be? Apparently as much as one wants to be and no one can say otherwise… I had that quality in spades and used to admire it in others but recently I was proven kind of wrong…. There’s selfishness and then there’s selfishness…. Or maybe I’m just splitting hairs… What do I know?
I thought I knew aplenty but this makes me doubt a lot about myself and the world both… Do I even know what selfishness is? Are there different brands of selfishness, different levels, different intensities? How would one even go about trying to identify and classify different kinds of selfishness? Makes my head hurt just by thinking about it just as the person made my heart hurt….
I wonder sometimes about if I really feel emotions or if I just fake them…. How does one validate the authenticity of what one’s feeling? Or can one even validate emotions?
Does the breaking of your heart, the pain in your soul inform you about the emotional upheaval you are going through or does it just mislead you towards a man-made quagmire of lies, deceit, unruly thoughts, unfinished dreams, etc?
Maybe I’m not supposed to know… Maybe it’s my destiny to roam these vales without any answer to soothe my mind and heart and soul. I don’t know… Still.,.
I wonder if it is in the nature and make-up of a human being to hurt another human being, either advertently or inadvertently. But hurt someone, she must as she can’t help it. She can’t make everyone happy with her actions. So, she is going to hurt someone or the other. All she can ensure is whether the hurt is rational, reasonable or irrational, unreasonable. Sometimes, despite of doing everything, despite of trying to interpret and control all the elements of a situation, it isn’t possible to predict all the variables, successfully juggle all the different balls in the air. One must fall down. One does fall down. So, what does she do? She ends up hurting someone. She does hurt someone.
So, what if she ends up hurting someone? Should she stop living in the perpetual fear of being hurt and hurting someone in return? Should she just curl up and die? No! Life is meant for the living. And so long as she is alive and breathing, she has the responsibility towards herself to live fully, freely. So, what if it is scary? Everything worthwhile is! And life is eminently worthwhile….
Die once and trying to come back to life is a herculean task. Dying daily is worse. Why not take a chance at life? Live a little…. Make oneself happy…. One cannot ensure other’s happiness… So why not just ensure one’s happiness first? Only a happy mind and body can make others happy coz as one can’t help but hurt someone similarly one can’t help but make someone happy by her actions… Two sides of the same coin…
We spend our lives reacting to the happenings and situations around us. We rarely take control of the situations. Happenings, situations take control of us and then take us on a roller coaster ride. Better it is to take control of situations. Better it is to act rather than react. I have decided to act from now on even if it kills me and situations never killed nobody ever. They may be mighty uncomfortable and not to my liking but if I act upon them then at least I’ll have the comfort of knowing that I did what was best for me, not for anyone else.
Patience is a virtue I do not seem to possess…. Whether that’s a part of having BPD or just being me, I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s frustrating when the ball is in the other person’s court and you have no control over the outcome….
Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…
What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!
But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?
I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.
So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.