Guilt…

Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.

My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.

Keep walking…

Darkness Rising…

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Dark thoughts come crowding in my brain,
My mind lives in partial darkness
Don’t know any more wrong from right
In one view, scheme’s greenery and bleakness.

Feels like a desert night-time,
Myriad thoughts like million scattered stars.
Dry and cold and brilliant hues
Jagged soul scars of many wars.

The road is barren, is hard, is tough
The promise of an oasis just round the bend
Palm trees and water to nourish the soul
To make it brand new, healthy and whole.

Comes crowding in, does the darkness
Like a slithering serpent with a sibilant hiss
Pours its venom, poisons the mind
No more hues, just blue and its kind.

And still the fight remains,
Between light and darkness
A war zone inside my brain
Missiles, shards, empty shells
The carcass of one in this mess.

Isolation…

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Isolation in my mind
Dark shadows everywhere.
Cut apart, left adrift in the currents
Float do I in the flotsam of life.

Despair do I
Want to cry
Sometimes I cannot understand myself
A thousand emotions on a thousand shelves.

Overcrowded are they.
Pull out an emotion you may
Try but in the end of the day
A discordant symphony you play.

Discordant symphony or a cacophony
All they are, are fake, are phony
An empty mind, a desolation
Even the Doc says how bogus are my notions.

Lie heavily on my heart, does the isolation
Broken memories, false emotions
Weep, weep does my heart at the blackness
Surrounded as it is by shades of grey.

Is it all a farce played upon my mind
Or the truth of a fractured one?
I walk the thorny path of truth
Without a correct measure to enlighten.

I welcomed the numbness
In the beginning brought on by the meds
Alas, they are done for now
Isolation darkens the horizon now.

Freedom…

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Stuck stuck stuck…. ‘Til its ugly end!
Roll over or bend…. Mend and rend
The bare flesh of man.

Unholy sighting…. The caw-caws then
Wending through the glen
Slave for that span.

A hole in the ground… Make it deep
To lay the dead…. To bury asleep
Least to do, to dignify the clan.

Shreds of humanity explode, rain
With blood, gore and the bygone chains.
Born caged, freed in death!

A Knot In Space-time…

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A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme
A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind.
They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder
I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour.
My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis.
The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis.
Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be?
Me having no control over my moods and reactions –
Is something I believe in not.
Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure.
Am I destined to always be of two minds
Or will I ever make up with one of them?
Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter
So long I have a pill or two to take.
Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter
What does it really matter?
Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns
Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne.
I go now to pop some pills
Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.

A Rage…

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I have held the raging beast,
With its horns,
My arms aflame,
With raging agony.

Just hold on for a moment awhile,
I smell the victory,
With the rising sun,
In all its glory.

Arms blooded,
The task herculean,
Muscles torn,
Misery yet unborn.

The wispy promise of victory yet,
The drunk revelry of success.
Against all odds,
Life flourishes.

I throw all my rage and emotion,
Hideous beast my soul’s creation.
Beloved, deadly – a dangerous combination.
A beauty, a siren, a nymph, a tease.