Most of my actions are driven by guilt. Or maybe that’s what I feel. No wonder I am so messed up… Guilt is such a negative emotion when one has no reason for it. I try to make my decisions rationally, logically with a calm mind. But somehow that doesn’t happen. Is it because I have such low self esteem that I need to doubt every single detail of my behaviour? Is my self image so blurred and poor? All colors of black. I don’t know what to do. I am no more the driver of my own mind.
My mind has become my enemy. Most of the time I feel like I’m riding a raging bull. It bucks and bows trying valiantly to unseat me, trample me under its heavy hooves. But I am holding onto my seat, by tooth and nails as required, up till now. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the bull wins. All I can do is get back into the seat again or at least try. And then try once more when there’s no reason for it. I will master the bull one day. This I solemnly swear.
A knot in space-time takes away my skill to rhyme A scribe or a story-teller, no more words to bind. They say I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder I think that’s only one more excuse to misbehaviour. My mind’s in twine – One agrees with the BPD diagnosis. The other says it’s a recipe to invite numbness, paralysis. Paralysis of mind – for what else could it be? Me having no control over my moods and reactions – Is something I believe in not. Surfed the net and read the literature – causes of no pleasure. Am I destined to always be of two minds Or will I ever make up with one of them? Prose or poem, it doesn’t matter So long I have a pill or two to take. Have to make up with one of my minds – darker or lighter What does it really matter? Stuck in a vicious circle of thorns Fugue. mindlessness, misery – borne. I go now to pop some pills Bye or ciao, will see you tomorrow.