In The Gloaming…

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Spiral down
Down drown
Drown down.

Vast black
Bottomless space
Float around.

Round round
No up or down
No sight or sound.

Senses slayed
Mindless frayed
Identity betrayed.

A deep sentience
An infinite existence
Ageless constant.

An immortal being
Reason for living
Quest forever.

In the gloaming
Life and death
A vicious circle.

Trapped…

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I am trapped
Show me the way
Please oh please
Something show me the way.

I am caught
In a web of lies and deceit
My lungs burn for air
Suffocating against the weave.

I fight
The urge to thrash
Against the ropes
The walls that I am lashed.

I shred
The skin off my bones
In blind panic
Hurl against the stones.

I thirst
My throat’s on fire
An agony in my stomach
I dream a pyre.

I howl
My soul rattles and clangs
A fight for freedom
A dirge it sang.

I fly
High above the clouds
Wispy, ethereal
No darkness shrouds.

A Few Harsh Truths….

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I learnt a few things today:

  1. Truth is difficult – Very much so. People might believe in the vague idea of truth being good always and might even think that they are truthful to others and themselves but  when the push becomes a shove hardly anyone stands by it. It’s easier to keep on believing in things one always did than accept that one might actually be wrong. I don’t know the need for such self-deception except that it is effortless, doesn’t require intense analysis and efforts to improve oneself, to grow, develop and evolve into a better version. The unknown is vast, uncharted, immeasurable and infinitely scary. Leaving behind the known realms of self on a journey to an unknown plane takes immense inner strength, determination and the purest form of passion. It takes a pure, powerful mind free from any preconceived notions, ideas or bondage of all kinds to not only perceive truly the strange vistas one comes across on this journey as they are in their form, structure and matter but also to encompass the strange visions with wisdom, to understand and assimilate them without breaking down. Such is the quest for truth. The path is arduous with will-o-wisps leading down to bogs. One has to be very alert and attentive to their surroundings lest they be caught in a quagmire. Only the brave of heart and strong of determination can walk this path. Truth is difficult.
  2. Self-improvement is just a concept – It is like a shiny ornament. Bright and beautiful to look at and show off to others. No one is really interested in it. It is like the latest fashion trends but with a longer shelf life. People love talking about it but that’s just empty noise with no substance to it. They don’t want to improve in any way. They love existing the way they have done since the beginning. The familiar is good, is comfortable. To accept the need for self-improvement is to accept that something is wrong with the current self and that is in direct contradiction to the precept – I am perfect! Ah inertia! We human beings are the perfect example of it. We continue to be in the state that we are unless and until something happens in the external world that makes us to stop, stand, look around and take a stock of our current situation. If the occurrence is stronger than our inertia then we make changes in ourselves or our situations. If it is not, then nothing happens. We continue as we were. The problem is that in most cases, the momentum required to create the change is very huge and not everyone can have occurrences of deep impacts in their lives. We have to sensitize ourselves to even the smallest opportunities that may arise for self-improvement. Sadly, we live in a world where the senses are overwhelmed by the constant bombardment of materialistic things. So, we just build elaborate lies around us and end up believing them. We don’t look inside our minds for answers. Self improvement is just a concept.

Why???

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We become so used to a fixed behavioral pattern that it becomes our standard goto response for anything that happens with us. The known provides comfort despite the wrongness of it. Why are we so unwilling to inspect our own selves and make changes as  required? Why is truth so unbearable, so unmanageable, so unpalatable that we prefer our cocoon of lies and deceit to the simple beauty of truth? Is it because it’s cold, harsh and not many have an iron clad digestive system? Why are we so apprehensive about our self image that we lie and cheat to maintain a rosy picture of ourselves instead of removing the thick blinkers of self deception and take a good, hard look at what we truly are?

Why do we revel in blindness? As human beings, we are on the topmost level of evolution. We have brains which can think, analyze, reason and conquer over the animal instincts we were born with instead of just blindly following them. So, why don’t we? Why this mass delusion? The society would be a better place if we actually used our brains and be truthful. Then why don’t we? Is it because of the life long mental conditioning that we receive from our parents, teachers and the society in general since the moment we are born? Is that conditioning too strong for most to just break free of it? Or does the mind need to be trained right from the beginning to think out of the box, not just believe blindly in whatever it is taught?

The mind is a high strung and equally highly trainable animal. It can be taught anything. Then why don’t we train it to do that which is its primary function? To ask questions, to doubt where there is a reasonable doubt, to be unbiased, to think, analyze, reason and then arrive at the correct conclusions? Why don’t we do that? Why do we persist in delusions?  Is it because of the conditioning or the cocoon we have wrapped around us? A goto behavior, a standard response is all that we can manage. We believe in conformity instead of standing out in the crowd. If others live a miserable life then we too are okay with our own miserable one. No standing out ever! Not even for happiness. Why?

An Introvert’s Letter to Her Friends…

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No! No pressure, dude! The velvet gloves might just give you some result but the iron fist! That will never work! Never! Not on me! I’ll just slide away…. Far away in my own world where silence reigns! Where I reign all alone… I am the queen of all I see… Slip away right in front of your eyes and you won’t be able to do anything to stop me… The iron fist doesn’t help… It hinders you…. Me? I am happy to have any flimsy excuse to visit my world… I love my world… There are all things of nature in my world except the ones I run away from in the first place – others like me! People! My world is made of sighing meadows, verdant forests, singing springs, chirping birds, rolling hills, snowcapped peaks, mesmerizing vistas and deep valleys, all kinds of flora and fauna…. A dreamy mist over the whole world with the sun shining through shyly…. Who wouldn’t love to live in such a world? My escape, my retreat! Why do you wonder why I would want to skip your world for a moment or more at times and take a breather in mine? It’s blissful, peaceful and so silent that you can actually hear it speak and sing and hum.

No! You are not allowed in! It’s mine, my space! Why would you want in when you think to use your iron fist on me? Don’t you know by now how useless it is against me? Love me, pamper me and let me go… I might just come back to you for more…. Each time, every time let me go…. I might just make you my friend…. Respect my space and I will know how crazy you are about me… The constant noise withers my soul, chips away my calm, handicaps me, debilitates me…. How can you even think to inflict such misery on me? The harder you try to hold on to me, the quicker I slip through your fingers… Don’t do this to yourself…. Don’t make me do it to you… Not the iron fist – no! The gentle hands, the velvet gloves, the soft smiles and silence – loads of it! I will love you for it, be your friend forever – the truest one! Why so much work you wonder? Letting go is so difficult for you. The reason you know – I am worth it… Every time….:)

Jealous! Who me???

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Why? Why all the jealousy? The backbiting, general bitchiness… How does it help you? Does it make you feel good by putting me down, calling me names? But how can that be if you do it behind my back? If you can’t say it to my face how can that make you feel anything but a coward? If you think me to be petty, shallow and selfish, how does spreading ugly gossips behind my back make you a good person?

Why don’t you rise from the mediocrity of your situation if mine makes you jealous? Why don’t you improve your personality if mine makes you look uncouth? You have to find the answer within yourself… Try to improve your own situation… Jealously is stupid! Incredibly so! Won’t help you any way… Backbiting will provide only temporary relief not a long term solution…

All your actions just prove what a small minded, mealy-mouthed person you are in reality! So you actually prove yourself to be exactly what you are scared of – smaller and more primitive than the person you are jealous of! Rise up from the mental gutter you have made your comfort zone and struggle for your personal advancement. Uplift yourself! Give up habits that hurt yourself first then others!