Question Mark…

I hear words

That don’t exist

An extra sensory perception

Which get me labelled crazy.

Feel

I feel emotions

Strong and intense

They ignore it saying

It is my accursed nature.

Reign

Confusions reign

So much exists

My eternal bane.

Pain

Blunt and sharp

No one to share

Say I unnecessarily harp.

Existence

Pale and wane

Too much too less

A giant a wraith

Paradox

Material metaphysical

Today tomorrow

In truth in vain.

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Happiness…

Earlier I used to think that happiness is a state of mind but now my thoughts have gradually changed. I think that you have to work really hard for her, to bring her in your life. You have to struggle and struggle to be happy, give things up, sacrifice, surrender…. Happiness is one reluctant bitch and you have to woo her, cajole her and sometimes outright kidnap her to have her for the shortest duration possible. She’s so capricious that she goes away as soon as you try to capture her…

Best of luck in your quest to find her…

Keep walking…

Tears…

Tears

No one sees them

So what if

They are hidden

They need none

To validate

Their presence

Their authenticity of it.

Tears

No one knows

Where they flow

Down from the eyes

Or travel do they

A lifetime in a few inches?

Tears

What do they bring?

Forgiveness, penitence, succour

Or just

More of their kind?

Tears

My whole world is

Today drowned whole

All I see is water

The salty kind one

It stings my eyes

Suffocates my breath

Slowly softly

I drown with it

One last embraces

As it gives me.

BPD and Hope…

What is BPD? Many sites are dedicated to the telling of the meaning of borderline personality disorder and what it means to live like one. That’s not what this blog is about. This one’s about the hope that you can conquer your BPD. BPD is just a very badly behaved child with neurotic narcissistic behaviour. Everything is about them. The good, the bad, the ugly and the ugliest. Especially the ugliest!

But what my BPD mates don’t understand is that like everything else BPD is also learned behaviour reinforced over time again and again due to certain situations or whatever. Maybe you couldn’t take control of those situations then but now you can and must…. You are a grown up now. Nothing can harm you or hamper your happiness if you don’t want it to. Only you can break this vicious cycle of harmful learned behaviour. It is difficult I know….. But maybe one teensy bit of step forward at a time is all you need. I speak of this from personal experience. Maybe whatever BPD makes me as a person is not the real me! Maybe the real me, the person I am is yet to emerge from the chrysalis of BPD. And I am looking forward to meeting that person. How about you?

I don’t know anything here. I’m just figuring out things as I’m going but I do know that I have changed a lot since my first diagnosis of BPD and the change has been positive and I’m darned happy about it and proud too. Sure, I still have my ‘low’ times when everything is dark and twisty and I go to the darklands but that’s fine since I have found the path out of those darklands too. Also, those spells are few and far between to bother about them. My mantra of ‘keep busy’ works like a charm every single time.

So, people, gear up! For this is a long and arduous task but very fulfilling too. This is life… The only one you’ve got so why spend it all blue and scared of self. Just make changes in your behaviour one tiny bit at a time, keep your morale high, don’t beat yourself up if you slide back and chill…. That’s it…. Sooner than you ever know you’ll be living a better life, a more fulfilling life, a happier life.

Keep Walking….

The Struggle – II

Need a break from everything tonight…. Need a break from self…. Dunno what’s wrong…. Just that I’m too tired of it all today….. Wanna end it all…. But can’t….. And won’t…. That path leads to defeat and I’m no loser….. Have never lost and won’t be learning to anytime soon now…. I’m feeling so miserable right now but I dunno the reason behind it….

There’s this continuous pain, metaphysical pain that goes on and on and I don’t know how to tackle it. Courage is not the absence of fear. True courage is when you are shit scared and still you do your duty. True courage is doing your duty responsibly in the face of adversity.

Have been reading different blogs thinking they might help me more…..

Keep walking …

The Struggle…

M so tired

Of it all today

Don’t wanna be strong

But there’s no other escape

No alternative I see

No option comes to me

No multiple choice question

Fear it’s a subjective one

And still I m tired

Just want to give up

A lull I need

A break from all this

The drama of daily

The choice to be pally

With any I meet

Just laughingly greet

I wanna be quiet

With myself and me

No one, none

To break the solitude

But I also know

What I want is

Just a dream

The reality is different

The reality gives me grief.

So I sew a smile on my lip

See that nothing makes it dip

Strengthen my back

And set myself to walk

The thorny path

Does make me baulk

Then I’m reminded of

When the going gets tough

The tough get going

And I set out again

Go on and on

The end in sight

The pathway long.

Singularity…

I stay away from you

I do not mingle

The way I used to

There’s something in me

That craves the new

The old is gone

No time to blue.

There’s nothing left

That we can salvage

Just lonely carcass

To rend and burn

A festering mass

Away I turn

From this wreckage

Naively we called

A relationship was it?

Or a frothing mess of emotions

Too strong, too overwhelming

In the eye of the storm

Some peace to be found.

Turn I do now

Take some simple steps

In the direction

Opposite to you

Never thought it would be

So easy to give up

Silence reigns my soul

Not a single sigh does it make.

The time we spent together

As if doesn’t exist.

Whatever this was

It no more is.

Just the aloneness

The singularity that’s me.