How selfish can one be? Apparently as much as one wants to be and no one can say otherwise… I had that quality in spades and used to admire it in others but recently I was proven kind of wrong…. There’s selfishness and then there’s selfishness…. Or maybe I’m just splitting hairs… What do I know?
I thought I knew aplenty but this makes me doubt a lot about myself and the world both… Do I even know what selfishness is? Are there different brands of selfishness, different levels, different intensities? How would one even go about trying to identify and classify different kinds of selfishness? Makes my head hurt just by thinking about it just as the person made my heart hurt….
I wonder sometimes about if I really feel emotions or if I just fake them…. How does one validate the authenticity of what one’s feeling? Or can one even validate emotions?
Does the breaking of your heart, the pain in your soul inform you about the emotional upheaval you are going through or does it just mislead you towards a man-made quagmire of lies, deceit, unruly thoughts, unfinished dreams, etc?
Maybe I’m not supposed to know… Maybe it’s my destiny to roam these vales without any answer to soothe my mind and heart and soul. I don’t know… Still.,.
I wonder if it is in the nature and make-up of a human being to hurt another human being, either advertently or inadvertently. But hurt someone, she must as she can’t help it. She can’t make everyone happy with her actions. So, she is going to hurt someone or the other. All she can ensure is whether the hurt is rational, reasonable or irrational, unreasonable. Sometimes, despite of doing everything, despite of trying to interpret and control all the elements of a situation, it isn’t possible to predict all the variables, successfully juggle all the different balls in the air. One must fall down. One does fall down. So, what does she do? She ends up hurting someone. She does hurt someone.
So, what if she ends up hurting someone? Should she stop living in the perpetual fear of being hurt and hurting someone in return? Should she just curl up and die? No! Life is meant for the living. And so long as she is alive and breathing, she has the responsibility towards herself to live fully, freely. So, what if it is scary? Everything worthwhile is! And life is eminently worthwhile….
Die once and trying to come back to life is a herculean task. Dying daily is worse. Why not take a chance at life? Live a little…. Make oneself happy…. One cannot ensure other’s happiness… So why not just ensure one’s happiness first? Only a happy mind and body can make others happy coz as one can’t help but hurt someone similarly one can’t help but make someone happy by her actions… Two sides of the same coin…
Dichotomy…. Such a strange word… How can a person be dichotomous? I say they can be if they have plenty of confusion inside…. Me? I am dichotomy personified… I just don’t know what to do with it…. And I don’t know nothing more than that…